We usually don't pitch webcomics here, but today's Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is one of the best, most concise criticism on SOPA and other Internet policies pushed by Congress. Click to read the full comic. This should be required eating for all members of Congress. Curse you, Zach Weiner, for your eloquence and dick jokes.

Great, it's another Humble Bundle. These are going to be the death of me. This time, it's indie games for your Android phone, or tablet, or Kindle Fire if you don't think it counts as a tablet (it totally counts as a tablet). These are games that ahve been on the Humble Bundle site before, but the Android versions are new, or at least new for the Humble Bundle.

You know the deal. Spend as much money as you want and distribute it to the developers and Child's Play and EFF charities (and the Humble Bundle folks, because they have costs, too) as you see fit. If you spend more than the average, you get a bonus game. This time, the games are Anomaly: Warzone Earth, Osmos, and EDGE, and if you spend more than the average of currently $5.73, you get World of Goo, too. You don't just get the Android versions of the games, though. You also get the Windows, Mac, and Linux versions, including Steam keys. They're not available on iOS through the bundle, because Apple is terrible at making software actually accessible outside of its own store. There's a good chance the Humble Bundle will add more games to the group before the deal runs out, so keep checking the Humble Bundle site over the next two weeks.

Final Fantasy 7 turned 15 today. In many Latin American cultures, it is now a young woman.

Silver Age comics, especially Silver Age DC comics, were ridiculous. If you're familiar with Superdickery, you know that the covers were insane, the plots were stupid, and the contrivances had their own contrivances. That's what made them so awesome in retrospect. That's what brings us to yet another new experimental feature, Panning Silver, where my experience as an expert comic book shopper (or at least an expert guy-who-goes-to-the-creepy-Russian-guy's-table-at-the-flea-market-and-spends-$6) gets us issues of these insane Silver Age stories and pick them apart.

Let's start with The Wrongo Superman, the first story in Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #114, where Jimmy is clearly about to be raped by Superman and his two chain gang friends according to the cover. Those are faces that say "it's a party now!"

This is the first page. I need to point out that it's the first page because it has nothing to do with the start of the freaking comic. It's like the cover, showing a bizarre situation without any context until much later. It shows Superman making burgers with his heat vision for Jimmy Olsen's tall, midget, and fat clones while the president's plane is trying to fly upwards at a 45 degree angle in the background. And, amazingly, it actually gets explained, sort of, in the story. With 60s age bizarre moon logic.

How does Superman keep his secret? Because everyone in Metropolis is brain damaged, as demonstrated in the first two pages of the story. Jimmy Olsen sits around when a traveling salesman comes in. He dresses up like Jimmy and shows him Jimmy Olsen merchandise. In two pages, Jimmy is cool with it and the Jimmy Olsen thing becomes a sensation. In three panels.

Silver Age comics were fast-paced, to keep people from stopping and realizing how stupid they were. Jimmy Olsen hits full Angry Birds status before Superman even appears. Superman's completely cool about it because Jimmy's "donating half the money to charity" while Superman crushes a fat kid's dreams of becoming a dorky photographer.

That's kind of sad. But Superman isn't only anti-fatties. He tells the tall skinny kid and the short kid they suck too, then he names Steve Rogers as the best Jimmy Olsen.

Then he goes on patrol. Some criminals escaped jail because Metropolis' prisons are less secure than Arkham Asylum, and Superman goes to catch them. That brings us to the cover, which from a different angle really casts a different light on the scene.

See? It looks like Superman's about to rape the criminals, not Jimmy! Look at their horrified looks (and how much the one on the left looks like Stanley Spadowsky from UHF) as they wonder what the Kryptonian superhuman will do to their delicate human tissues. But Superman lets them go because he's mysteriously... um... it's really not clear. Superman doesn't become evil or stupid so much as infected with ADHD. He becomes a super-powered ferret, which becomes a problem when the president's plane has issues and Superman is needed to fix them.

Because Superman's making burgers with his heat vision. See how the stupid crap on the cover and the first page actually happen? They actually think this through! It's not that stupid!

Okay, it is that stupid. It's really, really, really that stupid. Silver Age comics were a game of bait-and-switch where they'd say "Were you expecting this dumb shit? Ha ha, we're giving you some different dumb shit!" And that's how Jimmy Olsen saved the president with a lasso and a helicopter. Note that it isn't even the B-plot. It's just:

"Hey, the president's plane is going down!"

"I'll save it, I have a lasso and a helicopter!"

"Do you have a super power?"

"No, I just think science is for pussies!"

Superman has no idea why he's acting strange, and it only gets stranger when a Jimmy Olsen wig blows on his head and turns him into Mentally Damaged Red-Headed Superman. Red Kryptonite messes with his powers, but red hair turns him into Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

Mr. Mxyzptlk is the reason Superman is acting like an idiot, who reveals to his henchman salesman that he's a magic creature from the 5th dimension. Like all henchman, he's pretty cool about working for an unspeakable cosmic horror. Who looks like a vaguely racist drawing by an artist who hated both Jews and the Irish.

Also, Mr. Mxyzptlk looks even scarier than Popsicle Pete. Maybe almost as scary. Pretty close.

The joke's on him, though! Jimmy puts out Superman's secret identity in code, which Mr. Mxyzptlk decodes with his magic and shouts it out to everyone. And the code is actually his name backwards, which sends him back to the 5th dimension. And if you're cool with all of that, you've been reading comics for too long. Like me.

How did they know? Magic wind! that's some Sherlock Holmes shit right there. Also, fuck science. Wind going in a different direction from flying litter proves magic!

That's the first Panning Silver, and there's more to come. I have a stack of crappy Silver Age comics and I'm not afraid to use them. The sad thing is that Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #114 is not one of the worst or stupidest comics of the age by far. It doesn't even come close. It has an established villain who already had weird powers, and the stupid crap on the cover and first page are actually explained. This is freaking Agatha Christie compared to some of the stuff out there. And yes, we're going to get to the worse stuff in time.

[All art belongs to its respective creators and intellectual property owners. No, I did not draw these comics that were printed 25 years before I was born. They belong to DC.]

Bronycon is a convention for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fans in New York. It's a semiseasonal convention and the next one, Bronycon Summer, is June 31-July 1. It was going to be held at the Hotel Pennsylvania, which is a nice venue for small conventions. It won't be held there anymore. Instead, Bronycon is going to be held at the freaking Meadowlands. No, it's not a pony-themed play on words. The convention will be held at the Meadowlands Expo Center.

Okay, it's not the Meadowlands Sports Complex/Racetrack/IZOD Center, but it's still a pretty big venue. The good news is this means the show's attendance cap has been increased from 1,500 people to 4,000. The bad news is New York bronies will have to go into New Jersey to attend. It's just a 20 minute bus ride from Port Authority, but still. That's not the only news. Besides show creator Lauren Faust, Bronycon Summer will get another guest: John de Lancie. Even if you're not a brony, you know him as Q from Star Trek. And if you are a brony, you know as Discord he basically played... Q from Star Trek. Either way, he's pretty awesome.

The convention organizer, Purple Tinker (that's her brony name), notes that the convention is five months away, and that there will be other announcements. Possibly more voice actors will come to the convention. Even if you're not a brony, it promises to be great for any sci-fi, cartoon, or animation nerd if any other voice actors attend; Twilight Sparkle was Truffles from Chowder, Applejack was Maki from Black Lagoon, Pinkie Pie was AndrAIa from Reboot, Spike was Chiaotzu from Dragonball Z and Near from Death Note, and Princess Celestia was detective Kelly Blaine from Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. And I know way too much about voice actors. Fun fact: Alison on Eureka was Elisa Maza from Gargoyles. And Kevin Bacon has had no notable roles in animation.

Admission for both days of Bronycon Summer will be $65, and over 600 people have already pre-registered. One more bit of brony news, since I'm laying it all out as the bizarre nerd I am: My Little Pony toys are coming to Happy Meals in March. Keep an eye out, because they and the blind bag figures usually have much better sculpts than the larger ponies you can get at toy stores, which stick more to the older My Little Pony molds and please stop me what am I doing with my life.

Just saying. And isn't it better to notice that the Resident Evil 6 logo looks like the Oblivion and Skyrim logos than to notice that it looks like a giraffe getting a beej?

Welcome to Listing Restlessly, a new and irregular feature where we look at geek concepts and try to put them into categories that make some amount of sense. There's so much vagueness in gaming ("role-playing games," "casual games," "retro games,") that we need some way to separate these ideas. Let's start with the ages of gaming, an amorphous yet steadfast concept that everyone knows but few can define beyond "today's consoles" and "yesterday's consoles."

We've used "current-gen" versus "next-gen" versus "last-gen." Well, generations change. We've used "8-bit" versus "16-bit" versus "32-bit" versus "64-bit." Well, the Atari 2600 was 8-bit, and the Atari Jaguar called itself 64-bit when it wasn't, and the 64-bit Nintendo 64 lost the battle against the same-generation 32-bit Sony PlayStation. Instead of looking at bits and vague generations, let's look at what really defined the generations: the graphics. Specifically, what they looked like, and not what drives them. Here are the new ages of gaming. Four clearly defined ages and one semi-clearly defined half-age that run from the beginning of home video game systems to today.

The Blob Age (Pong-1983)

Technically, the graphics of the Atari 2600, Colecovision, Intellivision, and other pre-NES systems were sprites, but let's be honest here: they were blocks. They were squares, blocks, outlines, and shapes, but "sprites" is pushing it on an artistic and practical level. Look at Pac-Man on the Atari 2600. Montezuma's Revenge on the Colecovision. Astrosmash on the Intellivision. These were blobs.

There are certainly many exceptions in pre-1983 systems that had decent graphics for the time, but they were closer to PCs than home consoles. The Atari 2600 stands as the symbol of the era, and it had blobs. Big, nostalgic, beeping, screeching blobs.

The Sprite Age (1983-1995)

Nintendo came into the scene in 1983, and from then to the mid-90's was the sprite age. Everything was 2D (or very simple 3D), and graphics evolved from bobs to "shit you can actually identify." The early black box NES games weren't the best example, but as the system progressed we got Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, Castlevania, and other games where you can actually figure out what the different shapes are without using your imagination. Mega Man looked like a robot. Simon Belmont looked like a warrior. There were multiple colors and outlines for each sprite.

The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo (and Turbografix-16) are also part of this age, because even though they advanced in complexity they stayed sprite-based. Yes, even Donkey Kong Country and Vectorman. Those amazing 3D graphics? Prerendered and turned into sprites. The SNES didn't actually make a 3D Donkey Kong run and jump at your command. I'm sorry to break it to you.

Just like there were some detailed sprites in the Blob Age, there was basic 3D rendering in the Sprite Age. I'm talking about the Super FX Chip, that magical little processor that made Star Fox (and Stunt Race FX and Vortex, but who cares about those?) possible. The graphics were so basic that they didn't even have textures, but it was still 3D. And they were still in the Sprite Age.

The Polygon Age (1995-2000)

Video games finally made the jump to 3D with the PlayStation and Nintendo 64 (yes, and the Sega Saturn). Sprites gave way to polygons with textured, and game systems actually modeled (in their own, very simple ways) three-dimensional objects interacting with each other. This brought us Mario 64, Final Fantasy 7, Metal Gear Solid, and Resident Evil. There were some shadows and "particle" effects, but only in the simplest sense, usually just blobs and animated textures. They were a leap ahead of the Super FX chip of the Sprite age and the vector graphics of arcade games of the Blob age, but they look ugly compared to graphics today. Even in standard definition, they're rough and have simple models and textures.

The Smooth Age (2000-Present)

The PlayStation 2 and Xbox brought 3D graphics to a new level, with more complex models, better animations, and more advanced effects. It's still the same basic idea as the Polygon Age, but like the Blob Age to the Sprite Age, it represents a major and necessary step in its type of graphics. Besides more polygons, higher resolution textures, and smoother animations, the biggest advance was in shadow technology, with games like ICO, Shadow of the Colossus, Splinter Cell, and Gran Turismo 4 seeing shadow and reflection effects the N64 and PlayStation couldn't hope to do. Since then, lighting, physics, and particle effects have only gotten better.

Half-Step: The High Definition Age (2006-Present)

We're still in the Smooth Age. Graphics haven't advanced that much in concept beyond the PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube. They've just gotten smoother, with higher resolutions and better effects. It's not a jump like blobs to sprites, sprites to polygons, and polygons to complex, rendered 3D, but it's still a pretty big step in resolution. The last "generation" of consoles were standard definition. The current generation of consoles (except the Wii) are high definition. They can do 1080p video. It looks great on HDTVs. That's really the big thing. We've gotten better physics, but that's almost a separate issue than the graphics themselves. Right now, even though the Xbox 360 and PS3 are "next-gen," they're still part of the same age the PS2 and Xbox ushered in.

2012. The year of dragon. The year of the apocalypse. An Olympic year. An election year. The year that vampires inherit the earth. Major Hollywood blockbuster. And, if your facebook friends are anything like mine, the year that everything changes and everyone gets their life together. 2012 is a pretty big year and if the rumor mill is to be trusted (PROTIP: it probably shouldn't, and pour one out for GamePro), it will see a number of new technologies to change our lives such as the iPad 3, iPhone 5, Google Nexus Android tablet, and the Apple Television. In the gaming sphere, there is a number of high profile games coming out in every genre: Mass Effect, GTA, Bioshock Infinite, Max Payne, Twisted Metal, Diablo, Assassin's Creed, Halo, SoulCalibur, Kid Icarus, Metal Gear Solid, StarCraft, the list goes on and on. And let's not forget that Sony is rolling out a whole new handheld with the PS Vita and with it comes the strongest launch lineup since the US DreamCast launch, plus the Wii-U is expected to make it's debut in the fall. As I said, 2012 is a pretty big year. But I believe that for one company in particular, 2012 is going to be more than just a big year. For one company, 2012 is going to be a break out year that will take it back from dire straits. That company is Square-Enix, and while it's had a really hard time in the last few years with the reception to Final Fantasy 14 and disappointing sales numbers, this year could get it back in the game. Let's look at why.

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Final Fantasy XIII-2: sequel the highest profile JRPG on high definition consoles

I loved Final Fantasy XIII (Will didn't - ed.). And in spite of its virtual crucifixion in the court of public opinion (and Will's - ed.), the game still holds an 83 on MetaCritic and an 85.17% on GameRankings, both higher scores than any other turn-based JRPG on PS3 or Xbox 360. In fact, out of all the reviews for FFXIII by major outlets, only one was distinctly negative and I remain unconvinced that that review wasn't an attempt at trolling the internet with the reviewer's ego. FFXIII wasn't a bad game, but it had its flaws, like its very linear path and no towns. Whether you could look pass this or not more or less defined your reception to the game; I enjoyed the "keep pushing forward, don't look back, don't stop" pseudo-action movie mentality of FFXIII. FFXIII-2 picks up moments after the conclusion of FFXIII and takes a markedly darker tone than the previous game. It will also delve much further into the Fabula Nova Crystalis mythos, with major plot elements and characters referencing it directly. The game is actually much closer to Chrono Trigger than Final Fantasy in concept, with its multiple endings, one of which being the obvious canon ending, others being more "what if" fare, and a plot that has you going to multiple points in Pulse's future including one end of time-type setting. The game has been getting fantastic scores for Japanese publications, something that I expect to continue for the Western release. And yes, the game has non linear paths and towns this time around. Final Fantasy XIII-2 comes out at the end of January.

Final Fantasy Type-0

Final Fantasy Type-0: Final Fantasy + Monster Hunter + a whole lot of fun

Monster Hunter appeals to me. At least, the concept of Monster Hunter appeals to me. It's a cool idea, but I've never been able to get into playing the actual Monster Hunter games in spite of buying three of them. Ironically, I love Monster Hunter clones. Phantasy Star Portable 1 and 2, Gods Eater, even White Knight Chronicles' online mode: I will play any and every one of them. So when I heard that the game then known as Final Fantasy Agito XIII was a Monster Hunter styled game, I thought, "that sounds pretty cool." I can state empirically that this is the greatest understatement I have ever made: I have sunk nearly 40 hours into the three mission Famitsu demo for Type-0. Much like the previous game on this list, Final Fantasy Type-0 is a much darker take than that of typical Final Fantasy fare; the game takes place on a backdrop of war among countries and as students of a military academy, the protagonists soon find themselves in the middle of the battle. As you might expect in a war game, happy things do not happen to the main characters; in fact, the game opens with a pretty depressing character death. This is one of the few PSP games to ship on two UMD's, so the fact that there is going to be a PSN release is welcome. No release date has been set, but a western release has been confirmed. Here's hoping it doesn't slip into 2013.

Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance

Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance - Because eff you English language

Little known fact: I bought my PS3 two days before Metal Gear Solid: Guns of the Patriots came out. I bought my first 360 just prior to the second Summer of Arcade. I bought my Wii with Metroid Prime 3, my DS with Feel the Magic XY/XX, and my first PSP with Metal Gear Ac!d. The release date for Kingdom Hearts 3D is the date Nintendo will get my money for a 3DS. Everyone has their favorite game series and this one is mine. Unlike Chain of Memories, 358/2 Days and RE:coded, Dream Drop Distance is a completely new Kingdom Hearts experience. All of the Disney worlds are new and include worlds based on Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Pinocchio, and Tron: Legacy. Both Sora and Riku will be outfitted in new clothes and the battle system will be once more based on the deck system used in Birth by Sleep and RE:coded. Along with the characters from the various Disney films, the game will feature the return of somebody forms of Organization XIII as well as the antagonists of the previous games Ansem, Seeker of Darkness, Xemnas, Master Xehanort, Vanitas, and Maleficent. Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance is confirmed for a western release in 2012 and will lead directly in Kingdom Hearts III.

Tomb Raider

Tomb Raider = Lara Croft + Dirt - Age - E cups

The Tomb Raider series was always on the periphery of my gaming experiences. I had heard of lots of things about it (sexist game, nude mods, general suckage), but it wasn't until I played through Uncharted that I finally decided to Tomb Raider a shot. I figured that if I was having this much fun with the off brand "Dude Raider", I might as well give the real deal a try. The first Tomb Raider I played was Tomb Raider Legend and it is good enough to get me to buy Anniversary, Underworld, and The Guardian of Light. Early impressions of the reboot have been generally positive, and though I'm not usually a fan of the "darker and edgier" trope (see Prince of Persia: Warrior Within and Bomberman: Act Zero for examples of why), I think that this game is going to be great.

Hitman Absolution

Hitman: Absolution - Completely Olyphant free

Hitman is a series that has always fascinated me. Hearing people talk about the varied ways you can go about fulfilling your missions made me really want to play these games. Now that the franchise is coming to HD consoles and with it comes a host of features to ease newbies like me into the killing game. Absolution will have an "Instinct Mode" that works very much like Batman's detective mode and Ezio's eagle vision. Instinct mode will maximize 47's disguise, allow him to see enemies through walls, show patrol routes in red, and mark vents and climbable ridges. Of course, in order to not completely break the game, instinct mode consumes a power bar that must be recharged by performing silent takedowns. The game will give you a variety of weapons with which to perform your assassinations including environmental weapons such as a shovels or chair and the ever trusty Garrote wire. Hitman: Absolution comes out sometime in 2012.

In addition to those titles, there are a number of titles without release dates that are likely to drop in 2012. While it's unlikely that Final Fantasy Versus XIII, Kingdom Hearts III, and Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep Volume 2 will come out this year, especially considering the fact that the last two haven't been officially announced yet, this year will certainly bring new info about them. True Crime has never been a huge series, but Square-Enix must have seen something for them to have sunk so much cash into reviving the previously cancelled True Crime: Hong Kong. Bravely Default: Flying Fairy continues the SE trend of pissing all over the rules of grammar, but it's the coolest new IP from SE since The World Ends With You. Theif 4 will hopefully give the franchise the spotlight it so very much deserves and the double whammy of the Dragon Quest X and Final Fantasy XIV 2.0 MMORPG's should make this quite the year for Square-Enix.

The toys you get at Toys R Us and the electronics you get at Best Buy (or both you get at Amazon) are nice, but they're limited by pesky industrial regulations and licensing laws. That means everything you buy is relatively well-built to safety standards and any characters or famous people on them are there with the express permission of the copyright holder. That leaves out the awesome rip-off and downright strange items you can get at dollar stores, flea markets, and the dark corners of the Internet. The products imported directly from China to be sold out of trucks, on cheap folding tables, or on rusty pegs in disreputable stores. Or to be relabeled and sold by nerds for a huge mark-up, but the idea still stands.

DealExtreme brings those products online. There are plenty of web sites where you can get sketchy toys and gadgets, but DealExtreme is the least Engrish-filled one I've seen (and the most seemingly legitimate, with actual customer reviews, track records, and security things on its site). Think of it as ThinkGeek's ugly, cheaper, more-interesting-because-he-knows-how-to-score-drugs brother. It's a strange mix of relatively legitimate, generic products, gadgets no one would ever need, and toys that most likely aren't endorsed by Disney/Nintendo/Marvel. It's awesome, even if it's like playing a game of retail Russian roulette.

I found ten of the most sketchy toys and gadgets on the site that you can get shipped here. And one more that you can't (or, if you can, you probably shouldn't for legal reasons). I will only make two lead poisoning jokes in this story, because you deserve the best.

"Hit a Bum" Electronic Toy

I honestly have no idea. It's like whack-a-mole with butts. It screams "Spencer's Gifts, but with slightly lower standards." It doesn't help that "imported from Asia" and "lots of butts" makes me think of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, the Japanese put-your-finger-up-a-butt arcade game. Seriously, this toy is less bizarre and literally anal than an arcade game you put coins in to play in public. Still weird enough to get on this list. I love the creepy sex doll look of the woman on the box. That just adds a whole layer of uncomfortable to it.

Enlighten Pistol/Gun Assemble Toy With Shooting Function

LEGO GUN. This is a LEGO gun. It's LEGO-like bricks you can turn into a pistol. When everything sold in this country that's made of plastic and shaped like a gun has to be neon orange, this is a LEGO set for building a freaking all-black pistol "with shooting function." For when you want to make your last stand as a LEGO maniac.

DT-1130 EMF Meter for Electromagnetic Radiation Detector

Fuck Ghost Hunters. It's a horrible show that ignores science, logic, and common sense and relies on jump cuts and gullibility to "prove" ghosts, and it's the show SyFy has stuck to for years while letting better shows die. This is one of their tools. Ghosts apparently give off electromagnetic fields, so this lets you detect them. It's total bullshit, but if you're an electronics nerd you can use it to see how EM-saturated your house or office is, how much your cell phone is giving you ear cancer, and whether that weird lamp in the hallway is really a camera the conspiracy has been using to spy on you.

Harry Potter Hogwarts House Metal Pin Badge Set

It's knock-off licensed merchandise time! I want to show my membership of Ravenctaw and Hufflepuee houses.

Novelty Tulip with Hidden Sexy Underpants for Couples

Hidden sexy underpants. That might be my new favorite phrase. It might be a romantic gesture, but "Hi, honey! I got you sexy panties! They're in novelty tulips I imported from a sketchy place in China!" isn't the best thing to say when you're spicing up your relationship. I need to find out if genital lead poisoning is possible. That is the first of two Chinese import lead poisoning jokes of this feature.

Instant Man-Made Snow Powder

Weird powder you add water to make "snow" that doesn't melt, that you can decorate your house with. Again, imported without any regulations from China. I'm not saying you're going to poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house, but you're going to fucking poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house. That's number two.

Scare Lifelike Horse Face Mask Headgear

I think that's what the Asylum would use if they made an Eyes Wide Shut rip-off. Scare? I assume scary, so yes. Lifelike? I've never skinned a horse's face, so I'm going to say maybe. That might actually be what it looks like. Either way, it's the best way to make your daughter never ask you for a pony in her life.

Shock-Your-Friend Shocking Fire Extinguisher With LED Light

This doesn't count as a Chinese lead contaminated toy joke, because this isn't contaminated with anything. It's just fundamentally unsafe on an almost homicidal level. What psychotic would try to trick their friends with a shocking fire extinguisher? On the bright side, it's too small for anyone to take seriously, so it comes back from the bring of manslaughter and falls right into the land of stupidity. "Help, my dollhouse has a fire! Put the fire out with that novelty fire extinguisher! Ha ha, I shocked you!"

Cute Super Mario PVC Anime Figures

On one hand, these are amazingly shameless ripoff Mario figures that don't even try to follow the games' designs or color patterns. On the other hand, that's Mario in a Kill Bill/Game of Death jumpsuit holding nunchucks. So it wins.

Runner Shoe Transformer Model

Fun fact here, these are actually rip-offs of a real Transformers line, and are probably the best way to get your hands on anything like them. Takara's Transformers Sports Label toys were shoe-shaped versions of Megatron and Optimus Prime that turned into robots. They were awesome, and are ridiculously expensive. These are just $7. Unfortunately, they're sold out, because I'm not the only toy nerd who likes looking up sites like this.

Personal Cell Phone Signal Blocker Device

This one doesn't quite belong on the list, because it's ridiculously illegal. You might be able to get it delivered here if customs doesn't give a crap about the package, but it's still really illegal and you should not buy it. It jams cell phone signals, which is something the FCC likes to arrest people for. The FCC controls who accesses what parts of the public airwaves to make sure they're clear, there isn't much signal crossing, and that important services like emergency communication stay up. This device doesn't really care about FCC regulations and it doesn't have that sticker that almost every single piece of electronics in America has that says it doesn't put out radio waves the FCC doesn't want it to put out. It might not destroy ambulance radios or make planes drop from the sky, but the FCC isn't big on taking that chance, and they'll bludgeon you with a satellite dish for trying. That said, it's still a cell phone jammer, and that's pretty rad.

Put a bag on your head, because I'm about to blow your mind with the following two statements. You may rage. You may think I'm an idiot. But I'm right, and that's what's important.

1: Sucker Punch was a nearly perfect video game movie, and the template other video game movies should use.

2: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World was the perfect tournament fighter movie, but it wasn't a general video game movie at all.

You're not with me on this. That's fine, because I'm going to explain.

Sucker Punch was a pile of shit. I say this as a fan of Zack Snyder, but the movie was utterly fucking horrible. Under the excellent cinematography and action was a mess of a narrative that bordered on the offensive until you realized how hilariously misguided the intended message was in contrast with the tone and outcome of the story.  Any feminist message Snyder wanted to convey, any period atmosphere, and any sense of pathos was destroyed by the Inception-like levels of reality and the creepy undertones of ogling at enslaved supposed-to-be-teenage girls.

That said, it was visually and structurally perfect as a video game movie, outside of the strange layers of the narrative. Sucker Punch had specific levels, mobs, boss fights, and power-ups. It was like watching a video game. It would have been an enjoyable video game movie if it scraped away the layers of "empowerment" and just indulged in being action porn (and if Snyder held onto shots longer, because it suffered from some irritating shakycam).

For a video game movie to really feel like a video game movie, it needs to hit the same notes as video games. It needs to have the same pattern of levels and boss fights, with the stakes ratcheting up every time and the characters having a tangible sense of growth in power up to the climactic battle at the end. Admittedly, Sucker Punch didn't pay off so much with the last boss, but everything else kept to that pattern. Lots of set pieces, lots of action, and a few satisfying boss fights. The fight with the dragon could even have been a quick time event. You don't need constant winks and nods that it's a video game if you keep the same concepts as the game.

That brings us to Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. I liked it, but it wasn't really a video game movie, or at least it wasn't really a video game movie for the games it was referring to. It was a great tournament fighter movie, and should be the template for all games of that genre, but as a general video game movie it failed. It didn't really follow the video game concepts you expect from platformers or brawlers, the main games referenced in the movie. Worse yet, it tried too hard. It winked and nodded so much at the viewer and screamed "Hey! You like video games? Me too! Let's talk about video games! Look, I have a health bar and coin noises!" It was so ridiculously self-aware (to fit the theme of the movie, which itself was rife with ideas of coming of age and moving on with your life) that it didn't really feel like a video game movie as much as it felt like a movie that really loved talking about video games and referencing the 80's. It was a video game web site movie.

Scott Pilgrim was a great tournament fighter movie, though, and every future Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and Soul Calibur movie should follow its formula because it kept to the pattern perfectly. Scenes of character interaction in between bright, varied battles with colorful, named enemies in big arenas. Every other fighter movie since Mortal Kombat has sucked because it hasn't followed that formula. It always adds a huge amount of bullshit story that has nothing to do with the game and ignores the fact that the game is several big fights between people in different levels. Movies like Tekken, Dead or Alive, and Street Fighter (both Van Damme and the one nobody saw) ruin themselves from the start by not drawing clear lines between fights. Walk your fighters out, show the arena, make the fight begin, have it end, move on to the next scene. It's not a hard formula, and every fighting game movie since Mortal Kombat has failed at it.

Mortal Kombat itself is considered a good video game movie because it actually followed that formula. They fought, they talked, they fought, they talked. Each fight was well-defined. Mortal Kombat Annihilation sucked because it let the fights bleed into each other with no sense of flow or pattern. Some fights were ridiculously short, some fights were in bizarre places not explained by the story, and nearly every fight was ridiculously random. Movies about fighting games need to follow the Scott Pilgrim (and Mortal Kombat) pattern of specific encounters in different arenas where the lines between fight and other scenes are clear.

Imagine if a Street Fighter movie followed the Scott Pilgrim pattern. Ryu is introduced as the main character. Some interaction with Shenlong, maybe introduce a romantic interest with Chun-Li if you really need it, then Ken comes along. They fight. It's a rivalry battle that sets them up as buddies and the group of them go on to fight in the Street Fighter tournament. The rest of the movie is a pattern of interacting with each other and new characters and having clear fights between one of the good guys and a new character, who then goes into the background as a villain or joins them as support. Ryu beats Guile, Guile joins them because he's made of flags. Ken fights Balrog, Balrog slinks away after losing, maybe showing up in the background during the final battle. Then, at the end, Ryu fights Sagat/M.Bison/Akuma/Seth in the largest, flashiest fight of the movie and the tournament is over. The movie's entertaining and the game's ideas are held up.

Adventure and RPG movies are harder because they're longer, so you have to fit more in. Also, giant dick joke. The average RPG has enough cut scenes for ten movies, and if you want to go old school you could do a solid film before getting off the first disc. If you were going to make a Final Fantasy 7 movie, you could probably hit the two hour mark just by getting them out of Midgard. The structure of adventure and RPG games might be easier to reproduce than action and fighting games, but there's just so much to cover in a given game that the movie will feel incomplete or extremely rushed.

Super Mario Bros. Street Fighter. Doom. Max Payne. Double Dragon. All of these movies sucked not just because they ignored the stories of the games they're based on, but because they ignored the structure. No levels. Few power-ups. One boss fight at most. They didn't feel like video games. Sucker Punch was horrible, but at least it felt like a video game movie because it was paced and shown like a video game. Scott Pilgrim tried too hard, but it felt like a fighting game movie not because of the endless video game jokes, but because it was paced and shown like a fighting game. These are the movies video game movies should be based on.

That said, Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, and Double Dragon are all still worth watching because they're fucking hilarious. Also, I hear if you ask Bob Hoskins about Super Mario Bros. he'll beat you to death with a brick.