Star Wars: The Old Republic: The Review (of the First Five Levels)
Well, against my efforts to break up with Star Wars and avoid MMOs, I've started Star Wars: The Old Republic. Star Wars meets World of Warcraft. That can't possibly be a life-destroying game. I've gotten to level 5, so I can't offer a full, or even remotely thorough review, but I can give my first impressions. No PVP, no advanced classes, no vehicles, just the bare basics of what the game is and how it looks.
Mario Kart 7: New Game, Same Powerslide
Mario Kart is now on the 3DS, adding to the growing pile of games that actually justify buying the system. Mario Kart 7
That said, let's at least try to review this thing.
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: The Greatest Beta Since Oblivion
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Skyrim takes place 200 years after Oblivion, and Tamriel has changed. It's now the Fourth Era, and the Empire has weakened. The Septim bloodline is gone, and the Empire has survived a bloody war with the Thalmor, an alliance of elves that broke away. Now they have peace agreement that keeps the Empire under some rules, including banning the worship of Talos, the first Emperor and the Ninth Divine. The people of Skyrim aren't happy about that, so Ulfric Stormcloak killed the High King of Skyrim and started a bloody civil war in the region. Also, dragons are back, and no one knows why. You start as a prisoner who escapes and has to find out why he has the power to speak in the words of dragons and absorb their souls. Begin the game.
This Has To Stop: Angry Birds Gummi Candy
Angry Birds needs to stop. It's become a Simpsons-in-early-90s-level fad. Or tamagotchi-in-late-90s-level fad. Or pogs-for-that-one-week-in-the-mid-90s-level fad. It's not just a casual game that became popular like Bejeweled, Peggle, or your-Zynga-game-of-choice. It's a multimedia phenomenon. And I'm getting freaking sick of it. At Best Buy, they have Angry Birds iPhone cases, headphones, and speakers. At Toys R Us, they have giant plush Angry Birds. And at Forbidden Planet (and stores normal people shop at), they have Angry Birds Fruit Gummis
Saints Row: The Third: Awesome Through Chaos
Saints Row: The Third isn't a sandbox crime game. You don't play a criminal. You don't run around committing crimes. You play a freaking supervillain. This isn't an exaggeration.
By the time I got through the game, I lived in a nuclear plant, had an attack helicopter, an army of ninjas, and dressed in a green waistcoat and top hat like a steampunk Riddler.
How am I not a supervillain?
Halloween Horror Story: Lou Reed and Metallica’s Lulu
We don't usually review music, but in the spirit of Halloween I want to share with you one of the most horrifying things you can ever hear, one of the most disgusting, frightening aural atrocities in the history of bass drums, one of the cosmic abominations seeping out of the seams of the universe that brings gibbering madness with its perception. I want to share with you Lulu, by Lou Reed and Metallica.
This year, Lou Reed of the Velvet Underground and Metallica collaborated on an album based on two turn-of-the-century plays by German playwright Frank Wedekind. It's exactly as pretentious and uninteresting as it sounds. Before I heard about Lulu, I thought Lou Reed was dead. Now that I've heard Lulu, I kind of wish he was.
Simply put, Lulu doesn't sound like a collaboration between music legends Lou Reed and Metallica. It sounds like a collaboration between a high school poetry nerd and a crappy Stone Temple Pilots cover band. I could do a track-by-track analysis, but I'm not a music reviewer, and this isn't a music site. Instead, behold the wonder of this horrible album on the web page, where you can listen to it for free.
You're welcome.
Pokemon Rumble Blast: It’s a Game About Toys About a Game.
The word "meta," or at least the modern, popular use of it, seems to be the best word to describe Pokemon Rumble Blast for the Nintendo 3DS. It takes Pokemon, the game series that spawned tons of cartoons, cards, toys, and other things, makes up a new Pokemon toy line based on the series, then makes a game based on the made-up toy line. From a storytelling perspective, it's the Pokemon Centipede. It's not bad, but its concept is very bizarre for a game that's basically Gauntlet with Pokemon.
Orcs Must Die (Because It’s Fun to Kill Them)
Tower defense has become its own genre, and in most cases it's already pretty played out. There just isn't much more that can be done with the idea of setting up obstacles to stop waves of enemies from getting to your base. Fortunately, there's still some fun to be had out of the formula, and enough fun to justify paying $15 for it. One of the best new examples of this is Robot Entertainment's Orcs Must Die.
WH40K: Space Marine: A Solid Shooter/Brawler FOR THE EMPEROR!
The Warhammer 40,000 universe is a grimdark place, where a corrupt, crumbling empire rules over millions of worlds, endlessly warring with aliens, demons, and other nightmarish creatures (and said empire is the only "good" faction, save for the psychic space elves of the Eldar). Life is short, brutal, and often meaningless except as fuel for the for the Imperial war machine. Few aspects of this setting are as emblematic as the Space Marines: immortal, genetically enhanced, psychotically xenophobic super warriors clad in power armor and charged with defending humanity from terrible threats both without and within. As such, it's no surprise that an action title featuring Space Marines prominently would appear at some point, especially after nearly every sci-fi shooter since Doom has effectively involved less badass versions of them. Relic and THQ's Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine is the game fans have been waiting for, since it finally puts them in the power armor of an actual Space Marine.
Space Marine is a third person action title that follows Captain Titus of the Ultramarines as he attempts to secure a valuable strategic asset on a world ravaged by Orks. The greenskin horde has shattered the planetary defenses and what few defenders are left are fighting a desperate, losing battle for survival. Players are immediately thrust into the action with little exposition, starting with Titus' arrival to Forge World Graia.
Tetris Axis: Like Tetris DS, But Less Necessary
Did you know there's a new Tetris game out for the 3DS? Tetris Axis is the newest Tetris game available, and it brings 3D graphics to the block-dropping series. I know, when you think of 3D and Tetris, you think of those horrible 3D Tetris games that were hard to control on the PC. Well, don't worry. The 3D isn't a game-crippling change of perspective that shows why Tetris only works on a two-dimensional plane, it's only an incredible unnecessary effect that shows why Tetris only works on a two-dimensional plane.
Tetris Axis is a decent compilation of Tetris game types developed by Hudson Soft and published by Nintendo, but compared to the stellar (and actually Nintendo-themed) Tetris DS, it falls flat. The two best things I can say about Tetris Axis is that it has regular Tetris and that's always fun, and it's only $30.
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