I don't care what anyone says, Japanese candy is still great. We all went through that nerd otaku phase where we became obsessed with Pocky as a delicacy, but there's much more than that. We're talking sweet red bean things and bizarre puddings and confections of various weird flavors. For now, though. let's wade into the shallow end of the Japanese candy pool with some of the more conventional but tasty foodstuffs you can pick up. As a bonus, there will be no Pocky anywhere. Because if you can get it at 7-11, it doesn't count.

Speaking of 7-11, I want everyone to pour out a can of Kirin Ichiban in memory of JAS Mart on St. Mark's Place. It was my long-standing place for Japanese food, but it recently shut down and will be replaced by a 7-11. Fortunately, the timeless standby that is Sunrise Market is still around, which is where these treats came from. 

Super Mario Bros. Chocolate Egg

Have you ever heard of a Kinder Egg? It's a European candy that's basically a chocolate egg with a toy inside. Think Cadbury, only instead of that awesome cream you get a plastic monkey. Furuta has its own version, and it has Mario toys inside.

The chocolate egg has a white substance on the inside, and I'm not sure whether it's vanilla, a coating to not stick to the plastic capsule, or I've just been consistently getting nasty eggs and not noticing the taste. The chocolate is mediocre, as all chocolates with toys inside tend to be. The Mario figure inside, though, is awesome.

I haven't gotten a Mario in an egg yet, but between three I've gotten Iggy Koopa, Wendy O. Koopa, and the penguin suit in a brick block from New Super Mario Bros. Wii. The Koopalings are awesome because 1: they each come with a magic wand from Mario 3 and 2: they aren't Bowser Jr. Because fuck Bowser Jr. Also, fun fact: the Koopalings are named after Larry King, Iggy Pop, Morton Downey Jr., Wendy O. Williams of the Plasmatics, Roy Orbison, Lemmy Kilmister, and Ludwig van Beethoven. Ludwig has Beethoven hair, Roy has sunglasses, and Iggy and Lemmy have crazy eyes.

Cola Gummis

"Cola" is a common flavor in Japanese hard candies, sour candies, and gummis. It goes hand-in-hand with sour flavors, so most cola candies I've found have been encrusted in that weird sour sugar stuff. These gummis are exactly that kind of cola flavor.

The gummis kind of suck. Not "acquired taste." Not "strange flavor but I can see how other cultures like it." Not "maybe they were imported and stale." Not even "completely suck." They just kind of suck. They're slightly tart, but not quite as much as sour patch kids or glo-worms. Once you bite through them, they get a little bit sweet and the flavor gets through. The flavor isn't quite cola, though. It has some cola overtones, but the sour coating makes it more citrusy than anything.

Mystery Balls

I'm usually good at figuring out Japanese candy, but these threw me off. I had no idea what to expect from the wrapper. Maybe weird lemon-melon sour hard candies? It's a mystery.

And it's still a mystery even after I open the packet. Mentos? They're too soft to be hard candy, and they're blue. And there's just three pieces in a packet. It turns out it's a slightly sour citrus gum, and the mysterious yellow filling on the wrapper is clear, sort of lemon-flavored that adds the sour taste to the strange blue gum shell. It's not a great candy, but I'm still disappointed that there are only three pieces, because it's not a freaking fun-size candy. It's an actual package of gum, with just three pieces in it.

Chocolate Tree Trunks

A straightforward cookie plus chocolate combination. Small cylinders of a biscuity material are surrounded by splotches of chocolate to make them look like tree trunks. Fairly tasty chocolate, plus the awesomely mellow woodcutter on the box is a bonus.

Meiji Caramel Dice

This is just your basic caramel, packed into cardboard dice. Two caramel per dice, five die per sleeve, so you get ten caramels. Not really that interesting or exotic. Either way, at least you can play some White Wolf games with these caramels. So score.

Meiji Lucky Stick

I said no Pocky in this article, and I meant it. This is Lucky Stick, the off-brand Pocky-like biscuit sticks that are bigger, cheaper, and... well, not as good. The varieties I've found have been chocolate, strawberry, and cappuccino. The chocolate flavor has chocolate biscuit sticks, so there's an extra kick of cocoa in there if you think the Pocky cookies are too bland. Well, not so much a kick as a gentle brush with a toe, but it's more chocolate. Lucky Sticks are thicker than Pocky but have about as much coating, explaining how they might be a bit cheaper. For a buck a box, it's a good alternative to the otaku cliche if you need to get your candy coated biscuit sticks on.

I've only seen these three flavors, though, so the selection is dwarfed by the over two dozen versions of Pocky I've seen. Also, to be brutally honest, the chocolate is simply better on the Pocky, especially the Men's and Dessert flavors. It's not a weird Pocky fanboy thing; Men's Pocky is a dark chocolate and Dessert pocky have thicker layers of coating, which makes them both tastier. We'll get to those in the future.

Pucca Pretzel Fish

These kick the crap out of Goldfish, because Goldfish don't have chocolate or strawberry cream inside. They also come in biscuit versions. Not really weird, but tasty (and for some reason even cheaper than Meiji Lucky Sticks).

Ramune Candy

Ramune is a Japanese soda brand that comes in a glass bottle with a glass marble as a stopper. You use a little plastic hammer to push the bottle down into a vessel above the main bottle, giving the soda room to come out. The word is a Japanified version of "lemonade," and is a lot like Sprite or British "clear" lemonade. This candy is kind of like a Sprite-flavored Altoid, in a bottle-shaped container. Boring, chalky, but sweet enough to not quite be in the candy hearts world of "why do we have this? It's just a piece of flavored sugar chunkiness." Well, that's not fair. Candy hearts are in no way flavored with anything.

Silver Age comics, especially Silver Age DC comics, were ridiculous. If you're familiar with Superdickery, you know that the covers were insane, the plots were stupid, and the contrivances had their own contrivances. That's what made them so awesome in retrospect. That's what brings us to yet another new experimental feature, Panning Silver, where my experience as an expert comic book shopper (or at least an expert guy-who-goes-to-the-creepy-Russian-guy's-table-at-the-flea-market-and-spends-$6) gets us issues of these insane Silver Age stories and pick them apart.

Let's start with The Wrongo Superman, the first story in Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #114, where Jimmy is clearly about to be raped by Superman and his two chain gang friends according to the cover. Those are faces that say "it's a party now!"

This is the first page. I need to point out that it's the first page because it has nothing to do with the start of the freaking comic. It's like the cover, showing a bizarre situation without any context until much later. It shows Superman making burgers with his heat vision for Jimmy Olsen's tall, midget, and fat clones while the president's plane is trying to fly upwards at a 45 degree angle in the background. And, amazingly, it actually gets explained, sort of, in the story. With 60s age bizarre moon logic.

How does Superman keep his secret? Because everyone in Metropolis is brain damaged, as demonstrated in the first two pages of the story. Jimmy Olsen sits around when a traveling salesman comes in. He dresses up like Jimmy and shows him Jimmy Olsen merchandise. In two pages, Jimmy is cool with it and the Jimmy Olsen thing becomes a sensation. In three panels.

Silver Age comics were fast-paced, to keep people from stopping and realizing how stupid they were. Jimmy Olsen hits full Angry Birds status before Superman even appears. Superman's completely cool about it because Jimmy's "donating half the money to charity" while Superman crushes a fat kid's dreams of becoming a dorky photographer.

That's kind of sad. But Superman isn't only anti-fatties. He tells the tall skinny kid and the short kid they suck too, then he names Steve Rogers as the best Jimmy Olsen.

Then he goes on patrol. Some criminals escaped jail because Metropolis' prisons are less secure than Arkham Asylum, and Superman goes to catch them. That brings us to the cover, which from a different angle really casts a different light on the scene.

See? It looks like Superman's about to rape the criminals, not Jimmy! Look at their horrified looks (and how much the one on the left looks like Stanley Spadowsky from UHF) as they wonder what the Kryptonian superhuman will do to their delicate human tissues. But Superman lets them go because he's mysteriously... um... it's really not clear. Superman doesn't become evil or stupid so much as infected with ADHD. He becomes a super-powered ferret, which becomes a problem when the president's plane has issues and Superman is needed to fix them.

Because Superman's making burgers with his heat vision. See how the stupid crap on the cover and the first page actually happen? They actually think this through! It's not that stupid!

Okay, it is that stupid. It's really, really, really that stupid. Silver Age comics were a game of bait-and-switch where they'd say "Were you expecting this dumb shit? Ha ha, we're giving you some different dumb shit!" And that's how Jimmy Olsen saved the president with a lasso and a helicopter. Note that it isn't even the B-plot. It's just:

"Hey, the president's plane is going down!"

"I'll save it, I have a lasso and a helicopter!"

"Do you have a super power?"

"No, I just think science is for pussies!"

Superman has no idea why he's acting strange, and it only gets stranger when a Jimmy Olsen wig blows on his head and turns him into Mentally Damaged Red-Headed Superman. Red Kryptonite messes with his powers, but red hair turns him into Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

Mr. Mxyzptlk is the reason Superman is acting like an idiot, who reveals to his henchman salesman that he's a magic creature from the 5th dimension. Like all henchman, he's pretty cool about working for an unspeakable cosmic horror. Who looks like a vaguely racist drawing by an artist who hated both Jews and the Irish.

Also, Mr. Mxyzptlk looks even scarier than Popsicle Pete. Maybe almost as scary. Pretty close.

The joke's on him, though! Jimmy puts out Superman's secret identity in code, which Mr. Mxyzptlk decodes with his magic and shouts it out to everyone. And the code is actually his name backwards, which sends him back to the 5th dimension. And if you're cool with all of that, you've been reading comics for too long. Like me.

How did they know? Magic wind! that's some Sherlock Holmes shit right there. Also, fuck science. Wind going in a different direction from flying litter proves magic!

That's the first Panning Silver, and there's more to come. I have a stack of crappy Silver Age comics and I'm not afraid to use them. The sad thing is that Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #114 is not one of the worst or stupidest comics of the age by far. It doesn't even come close. It has an established villain who already had weird powers, and the stupid crap on the cover and first page are actually explained. This is freaking Agatha Christie compared to some of the stuff out there. And yes, we're going to get to the worse stuff in time.

[All art belongs to its respective creators and intellectual property owners. No, I did not draw these comics that were printed 25 years before I was born. They belong to DC.]

Welcome to Listing Restlessly, a new and irregular feature where we look at geek concepts and try to put them into categories that make some amount of sense. There's so much vagueness in gaming ("role-playing games," "casual games," "retro games,") that we need some way to separate these ideas. Let's start with the ages of gaming, an amorphous yet steadfast concept that everyone knows but few can define beyond "today's consoles" and "yesterday's consoles."

We've used "current-gen" versus "next-gen" versus "last-gen." Well, generations change. We've used "8-bit" versus "16-bit" versus "32-bit" versus "64-bit." Well, the Atari 2600 was 8-bit, and the Atari Jaguar called itself 64-bit when it wasn't, and the 64-bit Nintendo 64 lost the battle against the same-generation 32-bit Sony PlayStation. Instead of looking at bits and vague generations, let's look at what really defined the generations: the graphics. Specifically, what they looked like, and not what drives them. Here are the new ages of gaming. Four clearly defined ages and one semi-clearly defined half-age that run from the beginning of home video game systems to today.

The Blob Age (Pong-1983)

Technically, the graphics of the Atari 2600, Colecovision, Intellivision, and other pre-NES systems were sprites, but let's be honest here: they were blocks. They were squares, blocks, outlines, and shapes, but "sprites" is pushing it on an artistic and practical level. Look at Pac-Man on the Atari 2600. Montezuma's Revenge on the Colecovision. Astrosmash on the Intellivision. These were blobs.

There are certainly many exceptions in pre-1983 systems that had decent graphics for the time, but they were closer to PCs than home consoles. The Atari 2600 stands as the symbol of the era, and it had blobs. Big, nostalgic, beeping, screeching blobs.

The Sprite Age (1983-1995)

Nintendo came into the scene in 1983, and from then to the mid-90's was the sprite age. Everything was 2D (or very simple 3D), and graphics evolved from bobs to "shit you can actually identify." The early black box NES games weren't the best example, but as the system progressed we got Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, Castlevania, and other games where you can actually figure out what the different shapes are without using your imagination. Mega Man looked like a robot. Simon Belmont looked like a warrior. There were multiple colors and outlines for each sprite.

The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo (and Turbografix-16) are also part of this age, because even though they advanced in complexity they stayed sprite-based. Yes, even Donkey Kong Country and Vectorman. Those amazing 3D graphics? Prerendered and turned into sprites. The SNES didn't actually make a 3D Donkey Kong run and jump at your command. I'm sorry to break it to you.

Just like there were some detailed sprites in the Blob Age, there was basic 3D rendering in the Sprite Age. I'm talking about the Super FX Chip, that magical little processor that made Star Fox (and Stunt Race FX and Vortex, but who cares about those?) possible. The graphics were so basic that they didn't even have textures, but it was still 3D. And they were still in the Sprite Age.

The Polygon Age (1995-2000)

Video games finally made the jump to 3D with the PlayStation and Nintendo 64 (yes, and the Sega Saturn). Sprites gave way to polygons with textured, and game systems actually modeled (in their own, very simple ways) three-dimensional objects interacting with each other. This brought us Mario 64, Final Fantasy 7, Metal Gear Solid, and Resident Evil. There were some shadows and "particle" effects, but only in the simplest sense, usually just blobs and animated textures. They were a leap ahead of the Super FX chip of the Sprite age and the vector graphics of arcade games of the Blob age, but they look ugly compared to graphics today. Even in standard definition, they're rough and have simple models and textures.

The Smooth Age (2000-Present)

The PlayStation 2 and Xbox brought 3D graphics to a new level, with more complex models, better animations, and more advanced effects. It's still the same basic idea as the Polygon Age, but like the Blob Age to the Sprite Age, it represents a major and necessary step in its type of graphics. Besides more polygons, higher resolution textures, and smoother animations, the biggest advance was in shadow technology, with games like ICO, Shadow of the Colossus, Splinter Cell, and Gran Turismo 4 seeing shadow and reflection effects the N64 and PlayStation couldn't hope to do. Since then, lighting, physics, and particle effects have only gotten better.

Half-Step: The High Definition Age (2006-Present)

We're still in the Smooth Age. Graphics haven't advanced that much in concept beyond the PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube. They've just gotten smoother, with higher resolutions and better effects. It's not a jump like blobs to sprites, sprites to polygons, and polygons to complex, rendered 3D, but it's still a pretty big step in resolution. The last "generation" of consoles were standard definition. The current generation of consoles (except the Wii) are high definition. They can do 1080p video. It looks great on HDTVs. That's really the big thing. We've gotten better physics, but that's almost a separate issue than the graphics themselves. Right now, even though the Xbox 360 and PS3 are "next-gen," they're still part of the same age the PS2 and Xbox ushered in.

2012. The year of dragon. The year of the apocalypse. An Olympic year. An election year. The year that vampires inherit the earth. Major Hollywood blockbuster. And, if your facebook friends are anything like mine, the year that everything changes and everyone gets their life together. 2012 is a pretty big year and if the rumor mill is to be trusted (PROTIP: it probably shouldn't, and pour one out for GamePro), it will see a number of new technologies to change our lives such as the iPad 3, iPhone 5, Google Nexus Android tablet, and the Apple Television. In the gaming sphere, there is a number of high profile games coming out in every genre: Mass Effect, GTA, Bioshock Infinite, Max Payne, Twisted Metal, Diablo, Assassin's Creed, Halo, SoulCalibur, Kid Icarus, Metal Gear Solid, StarCraft, the list goes on and on. And let's not forget that Sony is rolling out a whole new handheld with the PS Vita and with it comes the strongest launch lineup since the US DreamCast launch, plus the Wii-U is expected to make it's debut in the fall. As I said, 2012 is a pretty big year. But I believe that for one company in particular, 2012 is going to be more than just a big year. For one company, 2012 is going to be a break out year that will take it back from dire straits. That company is Square-Enix, and while it's had a really hard time in the last few years with the reception to Final Fantasy 14 and disappointing sales numbers, this year could get it back in the game. Let's look at why.

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Final Fantasy XIII-2: sequel the highest profile JRPG on high definition consoles

I loved Final Fantasy XIII (Will didn't - ed.). And in spite of its virtual crucifixion in the court of public opinion (and Will's - ed.), the game still holds an 83 on MetaCritic and an 85.17% on GameRankings, both higher scores than any other turn-based JRPG on PS3 or Xbox 360. In fact, out of all the reviews for FFXIII by major outlets, only one was distinctly negative and I remain unconvinced that that review wasn't an attempt at trolling the internet with the reviewer's ego. FFXIII wasn't a bad game, but it had its flaws, like its very linear path and no towns. Whether you could look pass this or not more or less defined your reception to the game; I enjoyed the "keep pushing forward, don't look back, don't stop" pseudo-action movie mentality of FFXIII. FFXIII-2 picks up moments after the conclusion of FFXIII and takes a markedly darker tone than the previous game. It will also delve much further into the Fabula Nova Crystalis mythos, with major plot elements and characters referencing it directly. The game is actually much closer to Chrono Trigger than Final Fantasy in concept, with its multiple endings, one of which being the obvious canon ending, others being more "what if" fare, and a plot that has you going to multiple points in Pulse's future including one end of time-type setting. The game has been getting fantastic scores for Japanese publications, something that I expect to continue for the Western release. And yes, the game has non linear paths and towns this time around. Final Fantasy XIII-2 comes out at the end of January.

Final Fantasy Type-0

Final Fantasy Type-0: Final Fantasy + Monster Hunter + a whole lot of fun

Monster Hunter appeals to me. At least, the concept of Monster Hunter appeals to me. It's a cool idea, but I've never been able to get into playing the actual Monster Hunter games in spite of buying three of them. Ironically, I love Monster Hunter clones. Phantasy Star Portable 1 and 2, Gods Eater, even White Knight Chronicles' online mode: I will play any and every one of them. So when I heard that the game then known as Final Fantasy Agito XIII was a Monster Hunter styled game, I thought, "that sounds pretty cool." I can state empirically that this is the greatest understatement I have ever made: I have sunk nearly 40 hours into the three mission Famitsu demo for Type-0. Much like the previous game on this list, Final Fantasy Type-0 is a much darker take than that of typical Final Fantasy fare; the game takes place on a backdrop of war among countries and as students of a military academy, the protagonists soon find themselves in the middle of the battle. As you might expect in a war game, happy things do not happen to the main characters; in fact, the game opens with a pretty depressing character death. This is one of the few PSP games to ship on two UMD's, so the fact that there is going to be a PSN release is welcome. No release date has been set, but a western release has been confirmed. Here's hoping it doesn't slip into 2013.

Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance

Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance - Because eff you English language

Little known fact: I bought my PS3 two days before Metal Gear Solid: Guns of the Patriots came out. I bought my first 360 just prior to the second Summer of Arcade. I bought my Wii with Metroid Prime 3, my DS with Feel the Magic XY/XX, and my first PSP with Metal Gear Ac!d. The release date for Kingdom Hearts 3D is the date Nintendo will get my money for a 3DS. Everyone has their favorite game series and this one is mine. Unlike Chain of Memories, 358/2 Days and RE:coded, Dream Drop Distance is a completely new Kingdom Hearts experience. All of the Disney worlds are new and include worlds based on Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Pinocchio, and Tron: Legacy. Both Sora and Riku will be outfitted in new clothes and the battle system will be once more based on the deck system used in Birth by Sleep and RE:coded. Along with the characters from the various Disney films, the game will feature the return of somebody forms of Organization XIII as well as the antagonists of the previous games Ansem, Seeker of Darkness, Xemnas, Master Xehanort, Vanitas, and Maleficent. Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance is confirmed for a western release in 2012 and will lead directly in Kingdom Hearts III.

Tomb Raider

Tomb Raider = Lara Croft + Dirt - Age - E cups

The Tomb Raider series was always on the periphery of my gaming experiences. I had heard of lots of things about it (sexist game, nude mods, general suckage), but it wasn't until I played through Uncharted that I finally decided to Tomb Raider a shot. I figured that if I was having this much fun with the off brand "Dude Raider", I might as well give the real deal a try. The first Tomb Raider I played was Tomb Raider Legend and it is good enough to get me to buy Anniversary, Underworld, and The Guardian of Light. Early impressions of the reboot have been generally positive, and though I'm not usually a fan of the "darker and edgier" trope (see Prince of Persia: Warrior Within and Bomberman: Act Zero for examples of why), I think that this game is going to be great.

Hitman Absolution

Hitman: Absolution - Completely Olyphant free

Hitman is a series that has always fascinated me. Hearing people talk about the varied ways you can go about fulfilling your missions made me really want to play these games. Now that the franchise is coming to HD consoles and with it comes a host of features to ease newbies like me into the killing game. Absolution will have an "Instinct Mode" that works very much like Batman's detective mode and Ezio's eagle vision. Instinct mode will maximize 47's disguise, allow him to see enemies through walls, show patrol routes in red, and mark vents and climbable ridges. Of course, in order to not completely break the game, instinct mode consumes a power bar that must be recharged by performing silent takedowns. The game will give you a variety of weapons with which to perform your assassinations including environmental weapons such as a shovels or chair and the ever trusty Garrote wire. Hitman: Absolution comes out sometime in 2012.

In addition to those titles, there are a number of titles without release dates that are likely to drop in 2012. While it's unlikely that Final Fantasy Versus XIII, Kingdom Hearts III, and Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep Volume 2 will come out this year, especially considering the fact that the last two haven't been officially announced yet, this year will certainly bring new info about them. True Crime has never been a huge series, but Square-Enix must have seen something for them to have sunk so much cash into reviving the previously cancelled True Crime: Hong Kong. Bravely Default: Flying Fairy continues the SE trend of pissing all over the rules of grammar, but it's the coolest new IP from SE since The World Ends With You. Theif 4 will hopefully give the franchise the spotlight it so very much deserves and the double whammy of the Dragon Quest X and Final Fantasy XIV 2.0 MMORPG's should make this quite the year for Square-Enix.

The toys you get at Toys R Us and the electronics you get at Best Buy (or both you get at Amazon) are nice, but they're limited by pesky industrial regulations and licensing laws. That means everything you buy is relatively well-built to safety standards and any characters or famous people on them are there with the express permission of the copyright holder. That leaves out the awesome rip-off and downright strange items you can get at dollar stores, flea markets, and the dark corners of the Internet. The products imported directly from China to be sold out of trucks, on cheap folding tables, or on rusty pegs in disreputable stores. Or to be relabeled and sold by nerds for a huge mark-up, but the idea still stands.

DealExtreme brings those products online. There are plenty of web sites where you can get sketchy toys and gadgets, but DealExtreme is the least Engrish-filled one I've seen (and the most seemingly legitimate, with actual customer reviews, track records, and security things on its site). Think of it as ThinkGeek's ugly, cheaper, more-interesting-because-he-knows-how-to-score-drugs brother. It's a strange mix of relatively legitimate, generic products, gadgets no one would ever need, and toys that most likely aren't endorsed by Disney/Nintendo/Marvel. It's awesome, even if it's like playing a game of retail Russian roulette.

I found ten of the most sketchy toys and gadgets on the site that you can get shipped here. And one more that you can't (or, if you can, you probably shouldn't for legal reasons). I will only make two lead poisoning jokes in this story, because you deserve the best.

"Hit a Bum" Electronic Toy

I honestly have no idea. It's like whack-a-mole with butts. It screams "Spencer's Gifts, but with slightly lower standards." It doesn't help that "imported from Asia" and "lots of butts" makes me think of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, the Japanese put-your-finger-up-a-butt arcade game. Seriously, this toy is less bizarre and literally anal than an arcade game you put coins in to play in public. Still weird enough to get on this list. I love the creepy sex doll look of the woman on the box. That just adds a whole layer of uncomfortable to it.

Enlighten Pistol/Gun Assemble Toy With Shooting Function

LEGO GUN. This is a LEGO gun. It's LEGO-like bricks you can turn into a pistol. When everything sold in this country that's made of plastic and shaped like a gun has to be neon orange, this is a LEGO set for building a freaking all-black pistol "with shooting function." For when you want to make your last stand as a LEGO maniac.

DT-1130 EMF Meter for Electromagnetic Radiation Detector

Fuck Ghost Hunters. It's a horrible show that ignores science, logic, and common sense and relies on jump cuts and gullibility to "prove" ghosts, and it's the show SyFy has stuck to for years while letting better shows die. This is one of their tools. Ghosts apparently give off electromagnetic fields, so this lets you detect them. It's total bullshit, but if you're an electronics nerd you can use it to see how EM-saturated your house or office is, how much your cell phone is giving you ear cancer, and whether that weird lamp in the hallway is really a camera the conspiracy has been using to spy on you.

Harry Potter Hogwarts House Metal Pin Badge Set

It's knock-off licensed merchandise time! I want to show my membership of Ravenctaw and Hufflepuee houses.

Novelty Tulip with Hidden Sexy Underpants for Couples

Hidden sexy underpants. That might be my new favorite phrase. It might be a romantic gesture, but "Hi, honey! I got you sexy panties! They're in novelty tulips I imported from a sketchy place in China!" isn't the best thing to say when you're spicing up your relationship. I need to find out if genital lead poisoning is possible. That is the first of two Chinese import lead poisoning jokes of this feature.

Instant Man-Made Snow Powder

Weird powder you add water to make "snow" that doesn't melt, that you can decorate your house with. Again, imported without any regulations from China. I'm not saying you're going to poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house, but you're going to fucking poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house. That's number two.

Scare Lifelike Horse Face Mask Headgear

I think that's what the Asylum would use if they made an Eyes Wide Shut rip-off. Scare? I assume scary, so yes. Lifelike? I've never skinned a horse's face, so I'm going to say maybe. That might actually be what it looks like. Either way, it's the best way to make your daughter never ask you for a pony in her life.

Shock-Your-Friend Shocking Fire Extinguisher With LED Light

This doesn't count as a Chinese lead contaminated toy joke, because this isn't contaminated with anything. It's just fundamentally unsafe on an almost homicidal level. What psychotic would try to trick their friends with a shocking fire extinguisher? On the bright side, it's too small for anyone to take seriously, so it comes back from the bring of manslaughter and falls right into the land of stupidity. "Help, my dollhouse has a fire! Put the fire out with that novelty fire extinguisher! Ha ha, I shocked you!"

Cute Super Mario PVC Anime Figures

On one hand, these are amazingly shameless ripoff Mario figures that don't even try to follow the games' designs or color patterns. On the other hand, that's Mario in a Kill Bill/Game of Death jumpsuit holding nunchucks. So it wins.

Runner Shoe Transformer Model

Fun fact here, these are actually rip-offs of a real Transformers line, and are probably the best way to get your hands on anything like them. Takara's Transformers Sports Label toys were shoe-shaped versions of Megatron and Optimus Prime that turned into robots. They were awesome, and are ridiculously expensive. These are just $7. Unfortunately, they're sold out, because I'm not the only toy nerd who likes looking up sites like this.

Personal Cell Phone Signal Blocker Device

This one doesn't quite belong on the list, because it's ridiculously illegal. You might be able to get it delivered here if customs doesn't give a crap about the package, but it's still really illegal and you should not buy it. It jams cell phone signals, which is something the FCC likes to arrest people for. The FCC controls who accesses what parts of the public airwaves to make sure they're clear, there isn't much signal crossing, and that important services like emergency communication stay up. This device doesn't really care about FCC regulations and it doesn't have that sticker that almost every single piece of electronics in America has that says it doesn't put out radio waves the FCC doesn't want it to put out. It might not destroy ambulance radios or make planes drop from the sky, but the FCC isn't big on taking that chance, and they'll bludgeon you with a satellite dish for trying. That said, it's still a cell phone jammer, and that's pretty rad.

Not all game releases are created equal. Publishers love to put out different editions of games to make more money. They repackage, add extras, and raise the price to turn a $60 game into a $150 game, or turn a $20 bargain bin game into a $40 purchase a year after the fact. Limited and collector's editions can mean you get a ton of extra stuff with your game. They can also mean you're spending a lot of money on nothing. Just because it says limited doesn't mean it is, and your game might have plenty of collectibles or you might be spending an extra $40 on a soundtrack and an art book. Here's how to figure out whether a collector's/limited/ultimate/premium edition of a game is worth it.

Worthwhile Limited/Collector's Edition

This is the collector's edition we all know and love. $80-100, with a combination of DLC, some feelies, and a custom case for the game to make it look cool. Depending on the company and the game, the extras might be just a soundtrack and an art book, or they might be a whole collection of poker chips, bobbleheads, cards, posters, and other things. While they might say Limited Edition, since they're more expensive than the regular releases they're more "collector's" editions than "limited."

Examples: Fallout 3 Collector's Edition, Bioshock Limited Edition, Infamous 2 Hero Edition

Disappointing Limited/Collector's Edition

Not all collector's editions have collectibles. Some companies throw in a soundtrack and an art book as an excuse to raise the price to $70 or $80. Maybe they just have a metal case or something useless like that. Unless you really like making-of facts and concept art, these editions aren't worth the extra money

Examples: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow Limited Edition, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2 Collector's Edition

Super Limited/Collector's/Platinum/Ultimate Edition

These only happen when there's already a collector's edition and the publisher wants to put out something bigger and more expensive. Usually $150 to 200 at first, but after a few weeks the prices might drop to $100 if there aren't any takers in the first wave. These releases usually have all the stuff in the collector's editions, plus a big, weird extra, like a statue of Noble Team or a remote control car.

Examples: Call of Duty: Black Ops Prestige Edition, Halo Reach Legendary Edition

"Special" Edition (Store/Platform Exclusive)

These are special editions that really aren't special. If they're on a certain platform or sold at a certain store, they might have one or two extra pieces of DLC and come in a different case, but it's really the same game. Don't pay more than the "regular" version of the game for this, because it is the "regular" version.

Examples: X-Men Origins: Wolverine Uncaged Edition, Dante's Inferno Divine Edition

Actually Limited Edition (Launch Release)

Very rarely, when a publisher makes a "limited" edition of a game, they mean it. It's the first release of the game with a few extras, and future copies won't have it. Funny enough, it doesn't always say "Limited Edition" on the box, and it might not even cost more than the regular version of the game, because it's the first release of the regular version of the game. At most, it will cost $10 or $20 more, depending on what you get. It might have a soundtrack or some art cards, and when it's gone, you'll have to settle for just the game. Commonly seen in NIS America and XSeed games, which throw in soundtracks and other things with the first waves.

Examples: Super Mario All-Stars: Limited Edition, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, Ys: The Oath In Felghana Premium Edition

Game of the Year/Complete Edition

You know that game you loved that you paid $60 for at launch and spent another $20 in DLC? Now you can get it all for $40 a year later! The Game of the Year Edition is how publishers bookend their DLC-intensive games and make room for the next game by saying "See? There's no more DLC." GOTY editions usually cost less than the original game and include all of the DLC released for that game over the year. It's a great deal if you waited, but if you didn't you're going to kick yourself when you remember how much you spent on all those New Vegas campaigns. It's the best way to enjoy a game you missed the first time around but heard great things about from your friends.

Examples: Fallout: New Vegas Ultimate Edition, Borderlands Game of the Year Edition

Covering tech journalism, I tend to accumulate a lot of USB drives. Companies just give them away as press kits. Most of them are bulk-purchased, get-them-for-a-nickel drives with a logo on them, but a few are truly impressive. Add to that some collectors' drives I've gotten in my endless pursuit of gaming merchandise and I bring you the Museum of Weird Nerd USB Keys.

This rubber Decepticon logo came with the press kit for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The key is really awesome, but it doesn't make up for the fact that the movie sucked.

Hasbro really loves their rubber logo USB keys. This one is clearly not nothing, for it is, indeed, Nerf.

This Mimobot USB key of Darth Vader's Apprentice came with the Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 2 Collectors' Edition, and LucasArts sent it with review copies of the game. I feel the need to interject something snarky here about The Force Unleashed 2, but I think it would be better if I just left the joke half-told and make you feel disappointed by the experience. Metahumor!

The USB key that comes with the Starcraft 2 Collectors' Edition. We've covered this one before, and it's pretty great, and it comes with Starcraft on it.

A lot of companies like to give away USB keys on dog tags. This press kit for the Parrot AR.Drone is one of them, with a simple, flat metal finish and a little tab to make the USB part stick out. And not much connection between a toy helicopter you can control with your iPhone and dog tags.

The Sony Computer Entertainment press kit from an event earlier this year. Pretty, self-explanatory, and pretty self-explanatory.

The GameStop Power Up Rewards Saints Row The Third gold bar USB drive. Another one we looked at before, but still a great one.

The USB drive that comes with the collectors' edition of Splint Cell: Conviction. It would be nice, except for the fact that it doesn't work. Like a lot of other people who got the game, I got a copy with a USB drive that won't actually load. So it's just a piece of plastic you can stick in a hole in your computer to, I don't know, keep it warm.

This 2K Games press kit isn't fancy, but it's handy. It's literally a USB key. Looks kind of like a really flat key and everything.

Well said, Sony Vice President of _______ Kevin Butler. In the midst of a brutal ass-whoopin', Killzone 3 gamer Legit_Bitness there demonstrated brutally incompetent mega-fail, but soldiered on with the grit of a gravel-eating shit miner. There may have been rage, but certainly no quit. I think we can all take this lesson to heart. What if the St. Louis Cardinals had rage quit when getting blown out? Or Rocky? Or the American revolution?

So with Battlefield 3 and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 promising to drastically spike the rates of thrown controllers, gnashed teeth, and incredulous shrieks of "I SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD!!!" in the waning months of 2011, I thought we'd pay some tribute to the various species in the Rage Quitter genus.

Shooter

Unless you can actually hear what they're shouting into their headsets, it's sometimes hard to be positively identify a shooter Rage Quitter in deathmatch or team deathmatch situations. But you can see the signs. You're up 25 to 3 in a game to 50, and then the phrase "I_T_BAG_U87 has quit" pops up. Sometimes one rage quit snowballs into more, and after "murder_kittenz" and "MR.SNUGGLE" jump ship as well, pretty soon it's just the four of you all against the defiant "Ninjafarts."

Other times it's more obvious, like in games where a team has a single spawn point that (usually with great difficulty) can be effectively boxed in. It's particularly delicious when it comes after a big play in something like capture the flag. The Rage Quitter's quittin' finger gets itchy when he carries the flag all the way back only to die in his own flag room, and then watch the guys that scrambled the length of the map to bring him down make off with his flag and take it all the way back. When you get a post-game message to the tune of "u nerd u must hav no life playin halo all day u never seen a girl," then you know that bro was mad.

Rationalizations: You're a wussy camper; you use or camp the spawn point of the cheapest weapon in the game; You're hosting the game, which give you an insurmountable latency advantage; Despite the scoreboard, I'm totally a better player than you.

Strategy

From the standpoint of rage quit schadenfreude, strategy games are nice because they depend heavily on keyboards. Typed messages between players come with the territory. They're also somewhat unique in that the game rarely runs its full course. Your opponent will usually concede to checkmate if it's inevitable, instead of making you stick around to wipe every last house, peasant, or zergling off the board. Those cases aren't necessarily rage quits.

No, it's only a rage quit if the loser tells you so, and that's what makes it so delicious. He knows in his heart that your gameplan was cheap or cowardly, and will not concede defeat before qualifying it with a parting shot about your shortcomings. And in case you didn't get the point, there is typically an observation about the staggering amount of fellatio administered by you and your mother. These lines are furiously banged into a hapless keyboard with enraged fingers impacting keys like jackhammers, and are usually riddled with errors that only heighten the glee. The Rage Quitter won't bother correcting, lest the delay expose him to a retort of yours before he can successfully exit the game with the last word.

Rationalizations: You were playing the race/civilization most favored by the obvious and heinous game imbalance that everyone certainly knows about; Lag; You pussy with your hit-and-run attacks on resource supply chains; You're clearly just afraid of fighting me army-to-army; Despite the scoreboard, I'm totally a better player than you

MMO

Most MMO rage quits are on your own team, in both PvE and PvP scenarios. Although MMOs are usually the most complex of games, their social aspect tends to lead to Conventional Wisdom tactics religiously supported by legions of copycat experts. Any deviation from The Plan reveals you as a hopeless noob, and the MMO rage quitter can't abide a team of noobs. He is completely oblivious to the need to keep one's eye on curveballs and the occasional need for adaptability and improvisation. It will never occur to him to even try attacking a different node than the usual one, or to account for weak threat generation by easing back on DPS. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother...the MMO rage quitter is always right.

Such conviction can lead to some downright poetic disparagement hurled your way as you're losing the fight against the boss, or the other team. Since you're probably having a rough time in battle, your patience for the Rage Quitter might run thin. But sometimes the incredulous nonsense dripping from his every word can be a silver lining to an otherwise frustrating loss.

Rationalizations: I gain more honor if I just quit now and restart; How could I have possibly been grouped with so many noobs?; Your gear/tactics are bad and to even suggest deviation from The Plan is a waste of time; Despite how the scoreboard indicates my damage/kills/ability to capture the flag or nodes is pathetic, I'm totally a better player than you.

Sports

In my experience, sports game rage quits are the most fun of all. Unlike shooters or strategy games, you can usually see the entirety of the action during every second of play in a sports game. Your awareness of the situation is nearly total, so if someone's mad about something that just happened, you know exactly what it is. Just took the lead in the 4th quarter from your third 50+ yard interception return of the game? Just saved your no-hitter in a game you were winning 1 - 0 by snaggling a 2-run home run hit with a leaping catch at the fence? Just got Kobe Bryant fouled out on his 3rd charge call of the game?

You know he saw it, you know how unlikely it and the series of events leading up to it was, so you know exactly the source of the butthurt. You know because you've been there, you've taken your bad breaks like a man, and played through a painfully improbable loss to the end. But the Rage Quitter will not stand for this injustice. There's a good chance if the game pauses right as your defensive tackle picks up a fumble and starts sprinting like a walrus toward the endzone that your opponent is too angry to stick around to see a fat man's touchdown dance.

Rationalizations: That would never happen!!; You spent the whole game exploiting an overpowered play that represents a flaw in game design, and not a weakness in my game for which I just haven't yet learned the counter; Did you see that?! That has never happened in the history of history!!; Despite the scoreboard, I'm totally a THERE IS NO WAY THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!

A year ago, I looked at the five most metal games ever made. Well, since then some really messed up games have come out, and my taste for metal has evolved. Well, mutated due to nuclear waste and other chemicals. Now, over at friend-of-the-site MetalSucks, that idea has been expanded into the seven most metal games ever made. check it out, and while you're there expand your perspective on the ancient and violent art that is metal.

Take a trip with me back to the mid-90s. Star Trek is still relevant as a TV franchise and a handful of other popular sci-fi and fantasy shows dominate prime time. Well, semi-dominate. Two of the best long-running shows on are Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5. These two shows are very similar. They both take place on mostly-human-run space stations. They both take place in the middle of major wars. And they both star literally messianic badasses. Ben Sisko. Captain of Deep Space Nine and the USS Defiant. Emissary of the Prophets of Bajor. Fighter of the Dominion. John Sheridan. Captain of Babylon 5 and the White Star Fleet. Co-head of the Rangers. Fighter of the Shadows. These captains are badass heroes who saved their galaxies, but who was better? Let's find out.

Military Service

John Sheridan: Commander of the U.S.S. Lexington during the Earth-Minbari War, where he became the only Earth captain to take down a Minbari warship. Became captain of the U.S.S. Agamemnon afterward.

Ben Sisko: Commander of the U.S.S. Saratoga at Wolf 359, where it was promptly blown the fuck up.

Winner: John Sherian, no question.

Messianic Cred

John Sheridan: Was buddies with the mysterious Vorlonn Kossh, and later was brought back to life by the oldest of the Old Ones. Brought together the remaining Old Ones to fight the Shadows.

Ben Sisko:Prophesized to be the Emissary of the Prophets of Bajor, and became just that by meeting the Prophets and guiding them about the ways of corporeal life. Worshipped by the people of Bajor. Got visions of the future.

Winner:Ben Sisko. Sheridan got the Old Ones together and was friends with them, but he was outshined in terms of worship by both Sisko and Sheridan's own predecessor, Jeffrey Sinclair, who went back in time and became a Minbari to fight the Shadows the first time and become their religious figure (it makes sense in context). Sinclair would win this category if he was in the running, but he doesn't have enough badass credit to be part of it.

Wartime Heroics

John Sheridan: Led the alliance of Babylon 5 and alien races against the Shadows and kicked them out of the galaxy, along with the Vorlonns. Then liberated Earth from its tyrannical dictator.

Ben Sisko: Led Starfleet, the Klingons, and the Romulans against the Dominion.

Winner: John Sheridan. The Dominion had more advanced military hardware. The Shadows and the Vorlonn were more advanced species, and the Earth government started using Shadow technology in its ships. Fortunately, John Sheridan had some help with Vorlonn and Minbari technology, but it was still a win. Which brings us to...

Badass Ship

John Sheridan: The White Star, a frigate that combines Minbari and Vorlonn technology and puts it in a ship that's faster than anything its size and that can make its own jump points. Oh, did I say a frigate? I meant a fleet of them. The Rangers built hundreds, and gave Sheridan the first. Then gave him the rest of them.

Ben Sisko: The Defiant, or Ben Sisko's Motherfucking Pimp Hand. The ship is an actual warship, something the pansies in Starfleet didn't consider until Sisko himself said, "Look, douchebags, we need this ship to fight the Borg. Then we need this ship to fight the Dominion." It's the only Starfleet ship with a legitimate cloaking device, and it's blown the crap out of a lot of other ships. The first Defiant was destroyed, but Starfleet gave him another.

Winner:Ben Sisko. In a fleet of pacifists, he made them make the biggest gun, then he made them get the Romulans to lend them a cloaking device (the banning of which in Starfleet still makes no sense, especially after Gowron dissolved the Khitomer Accords). Sheridan would win if we judged the entire fleet of White Stars as his badass ship, but one-on-one the Defiant is better.

Badass Space Station

John Sheridan: Babylon 5, a five-mile-long floating dildo filled with aliens of all races trying to keep the peace between their people and armed with dozens of Starfury fighters. Has dozens of stores, restaurants, and casinos, plus countless vendors in the Zocolo.

Ben Sisko: Deep Space Nine, a one-mile-diameter gyroscope ball filled with humans and Bajorans trying to protect the wormhole and Bajor. Armed with loads of weapons and surrounded by a fleet during the war. Has one casino, two other restaurants, and a holo-brothel.

Winner:John Sheridan. The station's bigger, it has more stuff to do, and it has a squadron of starfighters to protect it. Starfleet hasn't quite figured out the whole "fighter" concept yet, and Deep Space Nine's fleet was more absent than present.

God Punchingness

John Sheridan: Didn't punch any gods, but yelled at them. Also, dragged his planet-sized balls to the dark gods' home planet of Z'ha'dum to look them in the eye, tell them to go fuck themselves, and then nuke their capital city. Then out-jumped the nuke and was saved by the one Old One both the dark gods and the Vorlonns look up to.

Ben Sisko: Punched out Q and made him never return to the Alpha Quadrant ever again. Played a surprisingly soft hand with the Prophets of Bajor, despite their screwing with his life on a fairly regular basis. Fought the Founders, seen as gods to their vat-cloned servants, to a standstill until they managed to cut off their main forces.

Winner: John Sheridan. If Q never returned to mess with anyone except a handful of brightly colored ponies, Ben Sisko would have won for actually punching him out. Unfortunately, he ran to harass Voyager and, through the power of bad writing, utterly destroy any credibility or real power the Q Continuum had, retroactively making the punch less badass than it could have been.

Help From Above

John Sheridan: Got the assistance of various Old Ones, including the first Old One, to fight the Shadows and eventually kick them out (and all the other Old Ones) out of the galaxy. Got control over the Great Machine in Epsilon 3, a combination time machine, astral projector, weapons base, and intercom.

Ben Sisko: Convinced the Prophets of Bajor to destroy an entire Dominion fleet and prevent any others from coming into the alpha quadrant.

Winner: Ben Sisko. Sheridan had to beg and plead to get every bit of help he could from the Old Ones. Ben Sisko said, "Look, you know how awesome I am. Do this shit." And shit got done.

Winner: John Sheridan, by 4-3

It came close, but John Sheridan pushed it over the top with this attack on Z'Ha'Dum. Ben Sisko did a lot of crazy shit, but he didn't stare at the Founders and say, "You're not going to stop? Okay. Then we're all going to get nuked right now, and I'm still going to live through it."