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10 Sketchy Toys and Gadgets From China (That You Can Get Delivered Here)

The toys you get at Toys R Us and the electronics you get at Best Buy (or both you get at Amazon) are nice, but they're limited by pesky industrial regulations and licensing laws. That means everything you buy is relatively well-built to safety standards and any characters or famous people on them are there with the express permission of the copyright holder. That leaves out the awesome rip-off and downright strange items you can get at dollar stores, flea markets, and the dark corners of the Internet. The products imported directly from China to be sold out of trucks, on cheap folding tables, or on rusty pegs in disreputable stores. Or to be relabeled and sold by nerds for a huge mark-up, but the idea still stands.

DealExtreme brings those products online. There are plenty of web sites where you can get sketchy toys and gadgets, but DealExtreme is the least Engrish-filled one I've seen (and the most seemingly legitimate, with actual customer reviews, track records, and security things on its site). Think of it as ThinkGeek's ugly, cheaper, more-interesting-because-he-knows-how-to-score-drugs brother. It's a strange mix of relatively legitimate, generic products, gadgets no one would ever need, and toys that most likely aren't endorsed by Disney/Nintendo/Marvel. It's awesome, even if it's like playing a game of retail Russian roulette.

I found ten of the most sketchy toys and gadgets on the site that you can get shipped here. And one more that you can't (or, if you can, you probably shouldn't for legal reasons). I will only make two lead poisoning jokes in this story, because you deserve the best.

"Hit a Bum" Electronic Toy

I honestly have no idea. It's like whack-a-mole with butts. It screams "Spencer's Gifts, but with slightly lower standards." It doesn't help that "imported from Asia" and "lots of butts" makes me think of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, the Japanese put-your-finger-up-a-butt arcade game. Seriously, this toy is less bizarre and literally anal than an arcade game you put coins in to play in public. Still weird enough to get on this list. I love the creepy sex doll look of the woman on the box. That just adds a whole layer of uncomfortable to it.

Enlighten Pistol/Gun Assemble Toy With Shooting Function

LEGO GUN. This is a LEGO gun. It's LEGO-like bricks you can turn into a pistol. When everything sold in this country that's made of plastic and shaped like a gun has to be neon orange, this is a LEGO set for building a freaking all-black pistol "with shooting function." For when you want to make your last stand as a LEGO maniac.

DT-1130 EMF Meter for Electromagnetic Radiation Detector

Fuck Ghost Hunters. It's a horrible show that ignores science, logic, and common sense and relies on jump cuts and gullibility to "prove" ghosts, and it's the show SyFy has stuck to for years while letting better shows die. This is one of their tools. Ghosts apparently give off electromagnetic fields, so this lets you detect them. It's total bullshit, but if you're an electronics nerd you can use it to see how EM-saturated your house or office is, how much your cell phone is giving you ear cancer, and whether that weird lamp in the hallway is really a camera the conspiracy has been using to spy on you.

Harry Potter Hogwarts House Metal Pin Badge Set

It's knock-off licensed merchandise time! I want to show my membership of Ravenctaw and Hufflepuee houses.

Novelty Tulip with Hidden Sexy Underpants for Couples

Hidden sexy underpants. That might be my new favorite phrase. It might be a romantic gesture, but "Hi, honey! I got you sexy panties! They're in novelty tulips I imported from a sketchy place in China!" isn't the best thing to say when you're spicing up your relationship. I need to find out if genital lead poisoning is possible. That is the first of two Chinese import lead poisoning jokes of this feature.

Instant Man-Made Snow Powder

Weird powder you add water to make "snow" that doesn't melt, that you can decorate your house with. Again, imported without any regulations from China. I'm not saying you're going to poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house, but you're going to fucking poison your kids and pets if you use this to decorate your house. That's number two.

Scare Lifelike Horse Face Mask Headgear

I think that's what the Asylum would use if they made an Eyes Wide Shut rip-off. Scare? I assume scary, so yes. Lifelike? I've never skinned a horse's face, so I'm going to say maybe. That might actually be what it looks like. Either way, it's the best way to make your daughter never ask you for a pony in her life.

Shock-Your-Friend Shocking Fire Extinguisher With LED Light

This doesn't count as a Chinese lead contaminated toy joke, because this isn't contaminated with anything. It's just fundamentally unsafe on an almost homicidal level. What psychotic would try to trick their friends with a shocking fire extinguisher? On the bright side, it's too small for anyone to take seriously, so it comes back from the bring of manslaughter and falls right into the land of stupidity. "Help, my dollhouse has a fire! Put the fire out with that novelty fire extinguisher! Ha ha, I shocked you!"

Cute Super Mario PVC Anime Figures

On one hand, these are amazingly shameless ripoff Mario figures that don't even try to follow the games' designs or color patterns. On the other hand, that's Mario in a Kill Bill/Game of Death jumpsuit holding nunchucks. So it wins.

Runner Shoe Transformer Model

Fun fact here, these are actually rip-offs of a real Transformers line, and are probably the best way to get your hands on anything like them. Takara's Transformers Sports Label toys were shoe-shaped versions of Megatron and Optimus Prime that turned into robots. They were awesome, and are ridiculously expensive. These are just $7. Unfortunately, they're sold out, because I'm not the only toy nerd who likes looking up sites like this.

Personal Cell Phone Signal Blocker Device

This one doesn't quite belong on the list, because it's ridiculously illegal. You might be able to get it delivered here if customs doesn't give a crap about the package, but it's still really illegal and you should not buy it. It jams cell phone signals, which is something the FCC likes to arrest people for. The FCC controls who accesses what parts of the public airwaves to make sure they're clear, there isn't much signal crossing, and that important services like emergency communication stay up. This device doesn't really care about FCC regulations and it doesn't have that sticker that almost every single piece of electronics in America has that says it doesn't put out radio waves the FCC doesn't want it to put out. It might not destroy ambulance radios or make planes drop from the sky, but the FCC isn't big on taking that chance, and they'll bludgeon you with a satellite dish for trying. That said, it's still a cell phone jammer, and that's pretty rad.