It’s time for me to arbitrarily pull another series of feature stories out of my ass because I got a good idea late one night. This is the first in several Know Your Mascots stories, a guide to understanding gamings’ biggest faces based on game genre, using that genre’s absolute biggest face as an archetype. This week, we’ll look at platformers, and what platforming mascot is bigger than Mr. Nintendo himself, Mario? We all know him. Italian. Overall-wearing. Fire-throwing. Jumping. Voiced by Charles Martinet. But how do other mascots stack up against him? Let’s find out.
Mario (Nintendo)
The deal: He’s the almost mute red and blue plumber who’s been fighting turtle-dragons, saving princesses, and eating heroic amounts of mushrooms for over 25 years.
Why’s he cool: His games have been consistently excellent, and he’s enough of a blank slate for gamers to enjoy him as an everyman.
Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega)
The deal: He’s a hedgehog that goes really fast. It’s in the name.
Like Mario but: Faster, and hasn’t been relevant since 1998. He has rad kicks and that rockin’ tude smirk, though. Of course, using words like “rad kicks” and “rockin’ tude” only hammer the whole 1998-or-before point.
Cooler than Mario: If it’s the 90′s, totally. Any other point in the space-time continuum, sadly not.
Mega Man (Capcom)
The deal: A blue robot who absorbs the powers of other robots, then loses them off-screen every time he beats Dr. Wily.
Like Mario but: Robot, and no mustache, and he doesn’t need to eat any weird plants to get more powerful.
Cooler than Mario: Yes. Sorry, but Mario’s gotten only a few speed metal covers. Mega Man’s gotten two rock operas loosely based on his life, and that’s just from one band. Also, robot that fires laser… ball things. Cooler than plumber that throws pretty weak fireballs.
Donkey Kong (Nintendo)
The deal: Nintendo’s first big hit, without whom Mario wouldn’t exist. Huge monkey who likes capturing Italian guys’ girlfriends, throwing barrels, and eating bananas. And yes, I know the whole “But Donkey Kong from the Donkey Kong Country games is actually his grandson!” Don’t care. Same character. Shut up.
Like Mario but: Nintendo doesn’t love him quite as much and is constantly outshined by his sidekicks. He’s Bizarro Mario, only a monkey in a tie.
Cooler than Mario: Nintendo doesn’t think so. Also, every one of Donkey Kong’s quests seems to come from him getting bananas stolen. What does he find in the first level of every damn game? A crapload of bananas. Sorry, Donkey. You don’t have brains or style.
Rayman (Ubisoft)
The deal: An armless acrobatic creature who roams around a dream world, trying to find shiny things. Developed by the French.
Like Mario but: As interpreted by Cirque du Soleil. “Yes, this red plumber is good for an American crowd, but what if he had no arms, and threw gloves at people, and his friend was a giant blue pitcher plant and they all lived in a dream where fireflies unlock doors?”
Cooler than Mario: Depends. Are you French? And high?
Crash Bandicoot (Sony)
The deal: When the Playstation first came out, Sony needed to make a mascot, saw Knuckles the Echidna get popular in the Sonic games, and decided to pull out another random Australian animal they could fill with attitude.
Like Mario but: Slightly bushier eyebrows. Also, he stole Sonic’s shoes. Also, nobody cares about him.
Cooler than Mario: Sonic’s more relevant.
Banjo and Kazooie (Rare)
The deal: Here’s a twofer: a big bear with a bird that rides in his backpack, fighting a rhyming witch as they play through a more complicated version of Mario 64.
Like Mario but: Replace the water-spewing backpack (that happened in one game and only one game) with a bird in a backpack who helps you fly. Also, forest animal, and a species you can actually recognize without looking it up on Wikipedia.
Cooler than Mario: They would be if they didn’t collect jigsaw puzzle pieces. Jigsaw puzzles are not cool.
Earthworm Jim (Shiny)
The deal: Mutant earthworm in a super-powerful spacesuit.
Like Mario but: The levels are much more crazy, and the princess is much, much hotter.
Cooler than Mario: I already said, the princess is much, much hotter.
Sly Cooper (Naughty Dog)
The deal: A raccoon who steals shit. Also, he wears a cool hat and carries a cane. No pants, though.
Like Mario but: Cooler hat. He’s a raccoon who thinks he’s people!
Cooler than Mario: Totally, unless you’re on 4chan. In which case, you’ll rage at this list, say something homophobic, and make some jokes about abortion.
