I was going to write a full review of Dead or Alive Dimensions, but I think it might be better to show you my thoughts while playing this game. I’d love to get into the mind of Itagaki, the head of Team Ninja and the closest thing the Japanese development community has to a crazed pimp, and I’m curious if this reaction is what he intended.

Boobies boobies. Man, this cutscene is long. Boobies. Boobies. Okay, Kasumi, she’s like the Cammy of the series right? Boobies boobies.

Okay, Ayane’s her sister. She reminds me of Taki, but with smaller jugs. Why’s she pissed off? Why’s Kasumi running? Wait, waht?

They’re on a boat now. Boobies boobies. Finally, some fighting! Boobies boobies. Dammit, tutorial sections. Hey, the combos are pretty easy to pull off!

Boobies boobies. More fighting. Boobies boobies. Hey, Ryu Hayabusa! Cool! Ayane’s still super pissed. Boobies boobies. Okay, I beat the guy. I guess that’s Dead or Alive 1? Huh, the business guy just died. Weird.

Okay, still ninja stuff. No problem. Boobies boobies. There’s another tournament? I figured that. Boobies boobies. Why am I fighting all these guys in a row with no lead-in or explanation? Boobies boobies. Wait, what happened to the tournament? Boobies boobies.

Wait, Kasumi was cloned? Her brother was dead and cloned? Is that her brother or boyfriend? Are they all siblings? I’m so- boobies boobies- confused.

Tengus? What? This game officially crossed over into weirdly Japanese.

Dead business guy had a hot daughter. Boobies boobies. There are a lot of girls here, and the all look either samey and blonde or samey and Asian. Are Kasumi and Ayane the only unique-looking female characters in the game? Boobies boobies. Well, there’s the luchador girl who might be black but I can’t tell. Is she just tanned? Boobies boobies.

Kasumi’s in a schoolgirl outfit now. Boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies- hey, wait.

I gotta check Wikipedia.

She’s 17?! Ayane’s only 16?!

I feel dirty now.

Hey, I can earn figurines of characters and pose them against backgrounds and take photos of them at different angles! Boobies boobies boobies boobies- No! Bad Will! Stop! Go back to playing Street Fighter 4 where at least Cammy’s legal!

She is legal, right?

Time for more Wikipedia. Hey, Mai from Fatal Fury was modeled after a Japanese actress for her chest and a Japanese porn star for her butt. Which is weird, because she’s always been sprite-based, so modeling doesn’t really apply.

Basically: Batshit crazy story. Easy gameplay. Lots of modes. Lots of collectibles. Underage girls. Itagaki’s one sick SOB. You should all feel ashamed. The 3D looks cool, and the Dead or Alive combat is all intact, with tons of counters and throws. Like SSF43DE, DOAD is a pretty full-featured fighting game for the 3DS. If you like the series (or eye candy), pick it up. It’s currently on sale for $28 on Amazon, down from the usual $40 of 3DS games. Just don’t look too deep into the story or you’ll either go insane or find yourself filled with shame. Which I think is what Itagaki intended in the first place.

Now, can anyone tell me what exactly happened in these games’ story? Because they make Street Fighter and Tekken both look coherent. And female-empowering.