Nintendo will hopefully officially announce “Project Cafe” at E3 next month, but gamers are waiting for details on the next Wii, and I’m not sure they’ll be able to hold out. Fortunately, through the power of extrapolation, I’ve been able to figure out some important details about the new system. By looking at Nintendo’s previous systems, we can determine what Project Cafe will be like, on both a hardware and service level.

These might be completely wrong. According to some far-fetched rumors, Nintendo will pull a complete 180 on its precious consoles and the trends they set. Until we have actual, hard confirmation about this, however, the only thing we have to go on is what Nintendo has done in the past. Here are our expected bullet points for the new Nintendo system. Read on for our explanations of… well, why.

  • Little to No Onboard Storage
  • Backwards Compatible (At First)
  • Online Services (Expected to Launch in 2012)
  • Downloadable Games (That You Will Never See or Care About)
  • The Controller Will Be Weird
  • Processing Power Will Be Decent, Not a Priority
  • THERE WILL BE A BIG SURPRISE

Little to No Onboard Storage

Nintendo hasn’t made a system with built-in memory yet. Wii? SD card slot and half a gig of memory. 3DS? SD card slot. DSi? SD card slot. Neither a hard drive nor a decently-sized flash drive has touched Nintendo hardware yet. Nintendo has always had the attitude that “Well, if there’s enough room for saving games, that’s enough memory. What? We’re not using cartridges anymore? Okay, fish some of those $2 SD cards out of the junk bin.”

Backwards Compatible… At First

Nintendo has been better than Sony and Microsoft at ensuring backwards compatibility with previous generations games. The Wii can play Gamecube games. The 3DS can play DS games. The DS and DS Lite can play Game Boy Advance games. Unfortunately, that seems to only count for the first and maybe second iterations of the hardware. The GBA could play Game Boy games, but the GBA-SP couldn’t. The DS and DS Lite could play GBA games, but the DSi and DSi XL (and the 3DS) can’t. The only reason the Wii hasn’t had its Gamecube backwards compatibility phased out is because the hardware hasn’t been updated since it was launched.

Online Services (Expected to Launch in 2014)

Nintendo doesn’t just drag its feet on online functionality. It drops a freaking anchor into the dirt and forces the gaming industry to arduously pull it down the road. To date, Nintendo doesn’t have a significant online service. It has a mishmash of online features without a single banner or interface beyond its respective console’s menu system. Hooking up with friends in any game is a bizarre, title-specific chore. Unlike XBL and PSN, online multiplayer with friends on any Nintendo system takes actual effort to get going.

Downloadable Games (That You Will Never See Or Care About)

The Wii and 3DS came with lofty promises of old-school downloadable games and a thriving online store for small developers. The 3DS eShop still hasn’t freaking opened yet. The Wii Virtual Console took months to get a remotely decent library. And DSiWare and WiiWare shops are oceans of crap with a few sparkling diamonds. Can anyone seriously believe that the 3DS eShop will launch with The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening or Super Mario Land 3? Even after the service launches, it’s going to take forever to get a solid selection of titles out. That’ll apply to any online store on the new console. If it comes out in 2012, its Gamecube game download service will go online in 2013, and we won’t see Wind Waker or Eternal Darkness until 2014.

The Controller Will Be Weird

Wii? Magic wand. Gamecube? Rectangular Starfighter. N64? Whatever the hell the N64 controller was. Nintendo’s not going to break its habit and just give us a regular, SNES/PSX-style gamepad. However, the rumors currently going around about the new controller are completely nanner sandwiches. OLED screen? Front facing camera? Is this going to be a home game console or a freaking iPad? The new system’s controller can only get so weird before it becomes unfeasible and insane. I mean, it’s 2011 and Nintendo doesn’t have a single system that can output over HDMI. Do you seriously think they’re going to put cutting-edge display tech in their damn controller before that happens?

Processing Power Will Be Decent, Not a Priority

The Wii 2/Project Cafe/Captain Miyamoto’s Magical Gaming Starship is not going to go up against the PS4. It might not even go up against the PS3. Nintendo hasn’t ever really been on the cutting edge of processing power. The Wii’s a beefed up Gamecube, the 3DS is a beefed up DS, the Gamecube was a beefed up Dreamcast, and none of them were on the top in their generation’s graphical arms race. The GPU will probably be a fair amount faster, just because manufacturing processes have developed a lot since the Wii came out and even a 55nm process GPU would be a huge jump over the 90nm Hollywood. Still, don’t expect miracles.

BIG SURPRISE

This one… I have no idea, but it’s going to be there. Ever since the DS came out Nintendo has added a single, huge gimmick to its game systems. The DS had dual screens. The Wii had motion control. The 3DS had 3D. When Nintendo pulls the curtain open and reveals exactly what Project Cafe is, you know it’s going to have a massive, completely impossible-to-predict feature. My guess? Ninja Master blender attachment.