If you can’t tell from the title, this story is pretty spoiler-rich. Let’s look at the dramatic twists and insane bullshit of some of the biggest video games that… well, I pulled out of a hat. Surprises are key for any plot-driven game, but they can be pretty hit or miss. Sometimes they’re surprising, jaw-dropping, and completely shake your perceptions. Sometimes you saw them coming 15 minutes into the game. Sometimes you’re left ridiculously confused and find yourself cursing Hideo Kojima under your breath.
If you don’t want to learn the spoilers about Call of Duty: Black Ops
Call of Duty: Black Ops
The twist: Reznov is Mason’s Tyler Durden. Also, you might have killed Kennedy.
How obvious: Pretty obvious, especially to eagle-eyed players. Your interrogators clearly know Reznov was the result of brainwashing, and if you pay attention to other characters’ reactions during the flashbacks (that is, the actual levels of the game), you can tell that they don’t really see or hear Reznov after the prison escape.
How stupid: Not very stupid. While it continues the trend set by Modern Warfare of plots that are increasingly banana sandwich crazy, it actually fits the theme, and helps to drive the past the standard mention-mission/play-mission gameplay structure.
Final Fantasy 7
The twist: Cloud is a no-name soldier who put himself in the shoes of a dead hero and then went batshit crazy after seeing his hometown burn down.
How obvious: Not obvious. You know something’s wrong with Cloud, but the whole Cloud-Zack thing is thrown off by hints about being a clone of Sephiroth, and the fact that the twist is less hinted at in the game than it is foreshadowed by a handful of plotholes in the flashbacks.
How stupid: Pretty stupid. The Zack revelation comes out of nowhere, and the entire sub-plot is used only to drive the most boring parts of disc 2. Square could have chopped out the entire thing and not really changed the game’s plot.
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
The twist: Gabriel Belmont becomes Dracula. Also Zobek is a bad guy.
How obvious: It’s Castlevania. It’s a reboot. There’s no Dracula in it. It was either going to be Gabriel or Zobek. Besides, this isn’t the first Castlevania game where you turn out to be Dracula (Aria of Sorrow/Dawn of Sorrow).
How stupid: Let’s put it this way: this is the least stupid of the plot twists presented by Hideo Kojima on this list alone.
Breath of Fire 2
The twist: The church (and provider of save points through the entire game) is actually evil.
How obvious: Not very. If this was a more recent game, it would be incredibly obvious; church-is-actually-evil twist has become its own trope. However, Breath of Fire 2 was one of the early cases, so it actually came as a surprise.
How stupid: Not very stupid. It actually tied the game to the first Breath of Fire, all while providing a satisfying twist.
Final Fantasy 10
The twist: Zanarkand was destroyed 1,000 years ago, Sin is Tidus’ father, Tidus is the dream projection of the ghosts of Zanarkand sent to oh what the hell I haven’t even gotten to the Metal Gear games yet and I have a nose bleed.
How obvious: If you had any idea that was the plot, even after beating the game, you should go back to the freaking moon you came from.
How stupid: The Cloud-Zack thing in Final Fantasy 7 was stupid. The everyone-came-from-the-same-orphanage thing in Final Fantasy 8 was stupider. The Tidus-is-the-dream-of-a-dead-city-and-his-father-is-the-giant-monster-that-destroys-civilization-all-the-freaking-time is so stupid Square-Enix has yet to come up with a plot that’s as utterly ridiculous.
Metroid: Other M
The twist: Captain Dickhole dies in a heroic sacrifice.
How obvious: You knew it would happen before the game came out. Metroid: Other M is yet another game that takes place before Metroid Fusion, the current endpoint in the series. Fusion had Samus obsessing over a computer programmed with the personality of her dead commander, Captain Dickhole.
How stupid: It had to happen. It wasn’t nearly as stupid as everything else in the game, like Samus’ personality, or the contrivances to keep all her equipment from her until predetermined points.
Chrono Cross
The twist: Kid is Schala… sort of. Lynx is Serge’s father… sort of. Schala is Lavos… sort of. The dragons are a computer from the future past and FATE is a computer from the past future and the cities they came from hit each other really hard. Oh, and the main characters from Chrono Trigger died and everything they did was for nothing.
How obvious: Dude, I played the game over a decade ago and I still don’t entirely understand what the hell happened.
How stupid: It’s not nearly as stupid as it is depressing. The plot kind of undermines everything you did in Chrono Trigger, revealing that Magus failed in his quest to find Schala and implying that Chrono, Lucca, and Marle all died during the war.
Metal Gear Solid 4
The twist: Big Boss is still alive. Liquid Snake has been dead all this time. The Patriots were created by Big Boss and half of your buddies from Metal Gear Solid 3.
How obvious: Only to the completely insane.
How stupid: Stupider than Metal Gear Solid 3, less stupid than Metal Gear Solid 2. Both of which are stupider than any other plot in any video game not developed by Hideo Kojima.
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
The twist: You’re Darth Revan.
How obvious: Let’s see… two evil dudes do something in the past. You’re going after one of the evil dudes. Nobody has heard from the other evil dude. You have amnesia. Do the math.
How stupid: It’s not that stupid. It’s actually better than the entire prequel trilogy, so there’s that.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
The twist: You’re a clone. Well, maybe you’re not. It’s not really clear, but it doesn’t matter because the game’s only four fucking hours long.
How obvious: I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting to see the credits roll after the fight with Darth Vader I honestly thought was intended to mark the game’s exciting halfway point.
How stupid: It’s four hours long and it doesn’t bother to actually answer the big question of the game. It’s not just stupid, it’s kind of insulting.
Metal Gear Solid 2
The twist: The entire event is a simulation to see if you can turn a douchebag into a supersoldier under the right conditions and his girlfriend is the spy for a secret conspiracy that’s really a computer and the entire installation is a giant robot and your commander is an AI and Otakon banged his stepmom and wanted to bang his step-sister but she died and oh Jesus Christ I quit.
How obvious: No. I’m done. The weird, random plot was bad enough, but Otakon’s entire breakdown will forever stand in my mind as the most awkward, creepy moment in all of gaming. I’m not talking about it anymore.
How stupid: No. Go fist yourself, Hideo Kojima, you giant freak.
