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5: Belger (Final Fight)
Beat-em-ups typically have huge dicks for the bad guys. Final Fight, Double Dragon, and River City Ransom all had gang leaders who beat up and/or kidnapped the girlfriends of the main characters, making them all dicks right from the start. Belger really takes the dick cake for the crap he pulls at the end of the last level in Final Fight. He sits on a wheelchair, keeping Cody’s girlfriend Jessica on his lap and using her as a human shield while he shoots at the players with a crossbow. On top of that, when you finally throw him from the chair so you can fight him without hurting Jessica, he walks just fine! He probably parks in handicap spaces, though. Dick.
4: Albert Wesker (Resident Evil)
Let’s see… he helped create the T-virus, he betrayed his comrades in S.T.A.R.S., he killed, threatened, and blackmailed people, and he tried to remake the world’s most environmentally unfriendly biotech corporation with him at the top. He’s the king dick in an organization comprised entirely of dicks. Oh, and he wears sunglasses indoors.
The sunglasses are only the tip of the fashion dick iceburg. In Resident Evil 5, he copped J.C. Denton’s entire look. Total dick move.
3: Kain (Legacy of Kain)
Few people are such giant dicks that they flip off the entire world in order to rule its ashes, but that’s exactly what Kain does at the end of Legacy of Kain. When given the choice between becoming guardian of the Pillar of Balance and letting it crumble, he let it crumble. That’s only the start of his tremendous dickishness, though; through the entire series, he plays cat’s cradle with timelines, completely screwing up the past, present, and future of Nosgoth for various reasons (including because of the manipulations of another huge dick, Moebius). Even if he didn’t wreak havoc with the world itself, he’s still be a violent, power-hungry villain who had his second-in-command executed because he was afraid of his wings. He might get distracted by a quest to change the world or fix some problem that threatens him, but as soon as he’s done he always returns to the conquering.
2: Alex Mercer (Prototype)
Alex Mercer’s attempt to hold on to any semblance of moral ambiguity is what makes him such a giant dick. He might be the protagonist in Prototype, but he’s not a hero. He’s not even an anti-hero. He’s just a renegade dick caught between two giant armies of dicks. He eats people to regain health. He turns into soldiers, then tricks them to shoot each other. He can swing a spiky whip of viral death and slaughter a few dozen people with just two button presses.
He doesn’t even seem to care about doing much about the viral outbreak that’s destroying New York and killing hundreds of thousands. The whole “this entire city is dying an unspeakable death” doesn’t affect him as much as “I’m amnesiac and a walking virus and I want revenge!” It only gets worse when you find out the truth about Alex Mercer: that he caused the outbreak in the first place trying to cover his own ass.
1: Kratos (God of War)
All hail Emperor Dick! Alex Mercer might be unsympathetic, but he doesn’t come anywhere near the dickish lunacy that is Kratos. If you wrong him, he kills you. If you do nothing but stand near him, he kills you. If you give him an item he needs to solve a puzzle, he kills you. The man is a walking mass of homicidal tendencies held together with extremely poor impulse control.
And it’s nice how a guy obsessed with revenge for the gods setting him up to kill his own family and then destroy him still finds time to bone a new woman (or two) in every game. Pretty hard to take your grief seriously when you’re so busy… button-mashing. One of his most epic dick moves is plowing Aphrodite like farmland, then walking straight into her husband Hephaestus’ prison to mock him and later kick his ass. You just can’t out-dick that.
Hall of Fame: The Dog (Duck Hunt)
Stop laughing at me, you bastard! Stop laughing! Stop laughing, I know I missed both ducks! Dammit, why can’t I shoot you? Stop laughing at me!
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